SLIM PICKIN'S FROM MY BRAIN

ROOTS

2012-01-25T07:09:00.009-06:00

The last couple of days have been very productive for me on a Genealogy Research level. The house could be in better shape but that's not nearly as fun! Genealogy is more than an interest, it's a passion, almost an obsession some might say. I love the challenge of researching documents like Census Records or Wills and since I love History, I am then able to research the life and times of the era in which they lived. It's a "win-win" situation for someone like me.

Until recently, one of my Great Grandmothers (Lizzie McCollum) on my father's side has been a dead end. It has left me frustrated to no end! Her maiden name was Petty and I knew her parents names but that was it! I even went so far as to creep the White Pages of the small town of Warrior, Alabama to see if there were any people that shared the same last name of one of her sisters, my GG Aunt Beulah, who had lived there! I was actually going to call them and ask them point blank if they were descendents of Alexander Petty!(Lizzie and Homer McCollum with their first child, Iantha Evoline McCollum, named for both of her grandmothers, 1909)

Instead, I decided to go to Ancestry.com and see if they were offering a free trial membership which they were. I had an instant explosion of information which has left me very busy these past couple of days! I still haven't found out anything on my Great Great Grandfather Petty but his wife who was a Chandler, had loads of information. I was able to go back to *1575 on her branch of my family tree! (Dave told me I should just go ahead and get a membership for a while since I am obviously making good use of it!)

I have been copying records, sorting and organizing my research although I still need to create a chart for all this new information. I found some interesting facts, for example:

My GGG Grandfather, Alpheus Zeno Chandler (Lizzie's Grandfather) also fought in the Civil War. Unlike Lizzie's husband Homer McCollum, where one of his Grandfather's was killed in the Battle of Chickamauga and the other discharged not long after he enlisted (presumably due to injury or illness because he died fairly young), Lizzie's Grandfather fought and survived the entire Civil War! He was discharged May 8, 1865.

My Great Uncle A.Z (Alphaus Zeno), who was killed during the Battle of the Solomon Islands, was named clearly, after his Great Grandfather.

My Grandmother had an unusual name as well, "Arra", as it turned out I found 2 other women in the family who had had that name!

It's funny to see variations of some of the names over the years. One of the funniest, was looking at the 1920 Census where my Grandma Arra was listed as "IRA" AND listed as a Male! She was obviously not around at the time the Census taker came by and he obviously made some mighty big assumptions!

Some of the interesting things you can find out from a Census:
Where each individual's parents were born
When each individual was born
Did they own or rent their home?
Property Value
Occupation
Could they speak English?
Could they read and write?
As it turns out Granny Lizzie's father, Alexander Petty could not read or write. That's hard to fathom in today's day and age!
( My Great Great Grandmothers Molsa Evoline Chandler Petty, Lizzie's Mother on the left and Iantha Mullins McCollum, Homer's mother on the right. GG Grandma Petty died in 1928.)
(My GG Uncle Edmon Petty-Lizzie's oldest brother, Nancy Petty-Alexander Petty's 2nd wife, my Great Great Grandfather Alexander Petty, Lizzie and my GG Aunt Ruth, one of Lizzie's 5 sisters. GG Grandpa Petty died in 1938.)

(I love this picture of my Great Grandma Lizzie holding my daughter Jessica in 1982. The look of delight on her face as she holds her GG Grand-daughter is priceless!)

All of my researching has inspired a road trip. In May of 2013, Dave is planning a backpacking trip in the Grand Canyon with one of his brothers, possibly both. I have decided to head south to Alabama, Georgia and Tennessee and visit areas where my people came from. I will definitely hit Chickamauga Battle Field as well as Shiloh and other sites where my GGG Grandfather's Regiments fought during their years of service in the Civil War. I want to go to some of the cemeteries where my ancestors are buried and photograph grave stones. The last trip that I made that was similar to this was back in March of 1977 when my biological Dad took my Grandma Arra, Lizzie, my cousin and I to see Lizzie's oldest sister, my GG Aunt Beulah. Lizzie was 88 and Aunt Beulah was 93! I knew it was a sweet visit, sadly their last together but now as an adult I can truly appreciate the significance of it!
(Great Grandma Lizzie, my Grandma Arra and my GG Aunt Beulah, 1977, Warrior, Alabama.)
I have begun mapping out my trip, planning where I need to stop and such and even though it's 15 months out, I am so excited that I can't stop thinking about it!

The joys of anticipation!

JANUARY'S FLYING BY!

2012-01-23T08:25:00.006-06:00

A month from now I will be in St Louis for our 2 youngest grand-daughters birthday. It has become a tradition since 2004 that I be there every February. Alyson was born on February 26th and Ashley was born on February 15th. This year I am coming up so that I can see their Dance Competition. I always enjoy getting to be there when my girlies are having a birthday and we always have a nice lunch at Miss Aimee Bee's Tea Room to celebrate. This picture was taken back in 2010 before we knew my Mom had cancer, she loved going with us.

Since last Monday's latest entry I have been to two funerals. Blah! On Wednesday the 20 year old brother (Erick) of one of Charlie's best friends (Nash) was laid to rest. It was gut-wrenching seeing how tore up Erick and Nash's parents were. I can't even fathom that kind of pain, losing a child has got to be living death! Although Erick is living a full life with the Lord, no longer confined to his wheelchair or the severe physical limitations that his body has known his entire life, it's sad knowing that the family has lost such an inspiration and such a loving son and brother. Charlie was asked to speak a few words at his funeral; dressed in one of Dave's suits from the 1970's, he looked very handsome and handled himself well. I was very proud of him and can't believe how grown up he is!

On Friday I attended the 2nd funeral, the dad of a sweet friend of mine. Her mother died suddenly and unexpectedly in late October just as the family was coming to terms with her dad's final stages of cancer. He fought cancer for 15 months and was not only healed instantly at that moment but was reunited with the love of his life when He went to be with the Lord. It ended well for him but the family is grieving 2 major losses in under 3 months. It's hard to feel sorry for your own self when you realize that others are being slammed from all sides and dealing with their own sorrows.

Charlie is home this semester due to a screw up at OU and his own lack of diligence. Way back in November, the Admissions office put a hold on his registration for this Spring semester because they didn't have a copy of his 2011 Spring transcripts from his previous college (Collin College). I don't understand how he was able to attend this past Fall at OU then and unfortunately Charlie didn't question any deeper. Before Thanksgiving Collin College sent his transcripts once again, but the registration hold wasn't lifted until 4 days before the new semester started, too late to get into the classes he needs. I am disappointed for various reasons but mostly I hate to see his education delayed. Dave told him he will be working full time during this break and that house rules during Christmas Break are different from the house rules of everyday living with us.

We decided that we will take a long weekend, quick, getaway trip to Colorado the beginning of March. We have some very good friends that live in Denver that we want to visit. We'll drive and do some antiquing along the way, it's going to be such fun!(We stopped by in September after our Canyonlands trip. Great friends, great food, great times!)

MARRIAGE MONDAY

2012-01-16T06:22:00.008-06:00

Marriage Monday has started up again! Join us as we encourage one another and lift up the sanctity of Marriage! This month we are getting re-acquainted as women.

"The prompts listed below are designed to help us to get to know you as a unique daughter of God. Please complete the sentences (as I have), post your piece on your blog, and then come back here to link up.

Think of your post as a quick pencil sketch of your current life. The faster you write it the better!"

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I am…...redefining who I am now that I have lost my Mom

I want…... to retire with my Hubby ASAP

I have…...high hopes for our retirement

I wish…...I could fix people

I hate…... stupid cancer

I miss…...my Mom terribly

I fear….. the return of Dave's cancer

I feel…...a little lost these days

I hear…... Squeegy the Amazing Cockatiel ruffling his feathers in his cage

I smell…...the Yankee Christmas Pine candle that I was burning last night

I crave…...My Omi's (German Grandma) Cherry Kuchen

I search…... records for my family Genealogy project

I wonder…...if Jesus will return during my lifetime

I regret…... not taking that trip my Mom and I always talked about

I love…...my husband fiercely

I ache…...for my son Charlie's best friend and his family. His 20 year old brother (Erick) is being disconnected from life support as soon as they get a heart recipient
(UPDATE 6 hours later: Because Erick was an organ donor, he just saved 3 lives!)

I care…...about my family deeply which is why satan attacks me there specifically

I always…...tell my loved ones that I love them, I can't help myself

I am not…...happy with how much weight I have gained

I believe…...that Jesus is the Son of God, the only provision for my sins, sacrificed and risen!

I dance…...ballet in the kitchen

I sing…...really loud to classic rock and roll songs

I cry…...more these days than I have in a long time

I don’t always…...read my Bible and pray like I should

I fight…...satan and the fear he tries to speak into my heart

I write…...because it's cheaper than therapy!

I never…..can understand how truly evil some people can be

I listen…...better than I used to

I need…...security and stability in my life, it's as essential as the air I breathe

I am happy…...when I get to be outdoors and in the mountains, seeing the handiwork of the Master(Standing under "Delicate Arch", ARCHES National Park, Moab, Utah, September 2011)

FOLLOW UP TO YESTERDAY'S POST

2012-01-13T07:02:00.005-06:00

Yesterday I was just incredibly sad, all day long. I am concerned about various people, I am dealing with my grief over my Mom as well as speaking against the fear that satan uses against me and some days it just spills over to where my joy has been sucked right out of me...

Last night I read the first few pages in "Motherless Daughters" and was surprised that right out of the gate, it addressed what I had written yesterday!! It left me eager to read more! The author (Hope Edelman) lost her own mother while she was a teenager. When she found that this was a topic that had not been addressed well she compiled interviews of other women who had lost their mothers.

"Grief goes in cycles, like the seasons, like the moon. No one is better created to understand this than a woman, whose bodily existence is marked by a monthly rhythm for more than half her life."

"Mourning works like any series of cycles: one ends and a new one begins, slightly different than its predecessor, but with the same fundamental course. A daughter who loses a mother DOES pass through stages of denial, anger, confusion and reorientation, but these responses repeat and circle back on themselves as each new developmental task reawakens her need for the parent. Say a girl of 13 loses her mother to a heart attack. In the midst of the initial shock and numbness, she grieves to the best of her ability at that time. But 5 years later, at her high school graduation, she may find herself painfully missing her mother and grieving all over again. Years after this episode she may be back in the mourners role again, when she plans her wedding, or gives birth to her first child, or gets diagnosed with a serious illness, or reaches the age at which her mother died. At each milestone a daughter comes up against new challenges she's frightened to face without a mother's support, but when she reaches out for her, the mother isn't there. The daughter's old feelings of loss and abandonment return and the cycle begins again."

I have been pretty self-sufficient, responsible and independent most of my life. I feel like I grew up quicker than my friends and certainly the choices I made played a role in making me grow up even faster! I am beginning to realize that my fear of Dave's cancer returning and needing the love, support, encouragement and reassurance from my Mom has only accentuated her absence. In this regard, I feel like I haven't made much progress. (1969-Ochsenfurt Germany with my Mom and my Omi)

It's reassuring to know that where I am in grieving and how I'm progressing is "normal". We tend to think that events in our lives are in stages, a beginning a middle and an ending. Grief isn't like Elementary School where you get through it and you NEVER have to go back, ever again! From the encouragement I have received from other dear friends and sisters in Christ I am realizing that missing my Mom will never truly go away but I will survive it.

GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS

2012-01-12T06:43:00.006-06:00

I won't deny it, the last few days I have been going through the motions, getting by...Some days you believe you've TURNED the corner only to find yourself STANDING IN the corner once again! Grief is such an unpredictable experience, it leaves you feeling as if you've lost your bearings.

I started the book I intended to read, "Motherless Daughters" but have only gotten through the introduction so far. This looks like it's going to take a while. It was something seemingly benign that started this melancholy mood. A good friend of mine whose house I have been cleaning for many years is in an overwhelming season in her life. Her dad is in the final stages of cancer and her Mom suddenly and unexpectedly died about 10 weeks ago. Right after her Mom died she asked me to start cleaning her parents house for them and so I have. The last time I saw her dad was right before Christmas and he was still doing well. Last Thursday when I was there once again, it was obvious that he is in the final stages of his cancer. Something as simple as those little "sponge lollipops" packaged in the kitchen brought back an overwhelming memory of my Mom's last days with us. I was fighting back the tears the whole time.

It's been nearly 8 months since my Mom died and I STILL can't bear to think about some aspects of her final days because they are so painful and so ugly. I try to focus on where she is now and how she is in the presence of the Lord and that helps. I know that God gave me a great gift in orchestrating events so that I could be there for both of my parents. I have only now begun to realize how that great gift came with a great price. I know in my heart that it wasn't about me and that I was called to serve my parents during that difficult time. The time leading up to my Mom's death wasn't Hollywood's PG 13 version, it was very painful, both for my Mom and for those of us who could only stand by helplessly. Simply put, I have been scarred...
I might be 51 years old but there is still a part of me who wants to crawl into my Mother's arms and have her make things better, only there is no comfort forthcoming from her arms any longer...

GOALS!!

2012-01-07T06:40:00.007-06:00

She shoots, she S-C-O-O-O-R-E-S!!!!! This is a hockey house so I couldn't help myself. I am currently outnumbered by the men in my house what with Dave, Charles home from school until the 15th and his friends who chill here. It makes for a pretty testosterone filled "locker room"! I wouldn't have it any other way though!

I am a pretty easy-going person in many areas. I have my faults and vices but overall I have learned that it is much easier and less stressful to just go with the flow then to try and swim upstream. I also learned a long time ago, that Dave is one of those rare men who gives a ripped potato chip about decor. Who would've thought? He has certain ideas of how he wants things to look and I have already established the fact that he's a pack rat. I can still remember when we got married and we made our move to Lincoln, Nebraska because of his promotion with the Railroad (Burlington Northern at that time). He asked me if I "wanted the living room or our bedroom to decorate?" He figured I'd say the bedroom because it would seem more romantic to my woman's heart. Well that back-fired on him completely because the living room was much bigger than our bedroom and my mother didn't raise a dummy! After getting all the major stuff moved in I returned to St Louis to pick up Jennifer and Jessica who had stayed behind with my Grandmother while we were in the midst of the moving upheaval. Imagine my surprise to come back home and find that some of Dave's pictures had invaded the living room!!! His explanation was that he thought I had hung up all my stuff already! "Are you kidding me?" I asked him. "Who had time to do all that before going back home to get the girls?" Have I ever said that my husband is opportunistic? Well obviously if he sees an opening, he's gonna jump on it!

After our daughter Laura moved out, Dave and I took over her room. He has half of it for his milk bottle collecting hobby (extra bottles, bottle cleaning machine and so on) and I have the other half for my scrap book supplies and an area to work in. I haven't done much this past year due to all the junk in our lives but I am excited to jump back in with both feet. However, I really need to clean up my mess and organize it, it's kind of a disaster! Once I have the last remnants of Christmas packed up (Goal #1), probably on Monday, I will start on my work space. I am too embarassed to even post a picture it looks so bad!

Once my work space is under control (Goal #2) I have a couple of projects pending. One is to repaint the back door. This past summer's brutal heat of over 70 100+ degree days caused the paint to bubble and flake since it catches that late afternoon sun. It's a metal door so I will have to sand it down really well and then prime it as well as repaint it. What I am wanting to do this Spring is have solar screens installed on all of our windows and doors. It'll help cut the heat that bakes those areas and wreaks havoc on paint! No picture for that either because I've already sanded it down after scraping it and it looks like a hot mess!

Getting back to the fact that my husband, the interior decorator wannabe has definite opinions and practices on pretty much EVERYTHING in life, there's a lot of his influence in the decor of our home. I am fine with that because we have compromised our preferences even though it's been largely unspoken for the most part. Our home is an eclectic collection of clutter and rustic. (The clutter is his part, wink wink.) I like pine cones, moose, cabin, woodland, etc. and our plan, once he retires, is to move to Montana. We will hopefully have a cabin but regardless, all of our stuff should transition well at that point.

Having said all of that, I still have a softer side to me. I enjoy hearts and roses, antique glassware as well as Victorian furniture. That doesn't quite go with Moose decor though does it? We have made the decision that once Charles finishes College, I will take over his room and Dave can have our currently shared hobby area, all to himself!! Oh happy day!! Granted, that's still 2 more years down the road but I am practically drooling on myself in anticipation.

I have been thinking about how I will set up my work area, how I will organize my crafting supplies and how I will decorate overall. I told my best friend Brenda over the Holidays while she was visiting that, to hear me talk, that room is as big as the rest of the house!! I have BIG ideas and will have one room that is totally and completely my own! If any of Dave's stuff invades THOSE walls, we're going to have to have a sit-down, come to Jesus meeting! This brings me to another goal for this year.

I have been wanting an antique, mahogany Secretary for as long as I can remember. I love the drop front that hides little pigeonholes, cubbies and drawers inside. I envision a time when people actually sat down with pen and paper and crafted letters or journaled their thoughts inside a diary. I have been on the prowl for just the right piece at just the right price for a long time. While we were home (St Louis) for Thanksgiving, Brenda and I were doing our usual thing, hitting the antique stores and I came across one. It needs a little repair (the drop front area has a rough corner and it was missing shelves) but the dealer had everything in his booth for 50% off so I got it for only $125!! Brenda and Charlie brought it down in their truck when they came into town for their annual Holiday visit and Brenda had glass shelves cut for my Christmas present! I will remove the drop front area and see if I can get it repaired, wax the runners on the lower drawers so they glide smoothly and put some "Restor-a-finish" on it. Eventually, it will go into Charles' room, my craft room.

I am eager to get started on this project. I have even begun taping off some areas in anticipation of using the "Restore-A-Finish". I also put a few things on the shelves to get an idea of how I want it to look. On the top shelf is stuff from our wedding as well as some 25th Anniversary gifts we received. The red hand-painted teapot with sugar and creamer on the bottom is from Dave's Mom and Dad, a Wedding gift they received back in 1951 as well as 2 candle holders from Dave's Grandma Cook. Throw in a few pieces of Pink Depression Glassware for good measure and I think I am going to be very pleased!

I don't know how much crafting will actually end up happening in that room because I might just sit in there and soak up the fact that I have a space that is all my own!!

TO THE CURB

2012-01-05T07:11:00.007-06:00

I went back to work yesterday, cleaned 2 houses right out of the gate! I have an easier day ahead of me today which suits me just fine. One of the projects I have is to start packing up Christmas.

I don't understand how the house can look so naked once we return to our normal decor. Any one who has seen our house the other 11 months out of the year will tell you it looks anything BUT naked during that time. The sad truth is, I live with a pack rat! Trust me, I have my own guilty pleasures but I recycle, pack up and try to move it around. Dave is a lot like his Mom who wanted to see every single thing she owned, all at the same time!! Dave has a passion for photography and is very gifted which can lead to the feeling of living within an art gallery! Photos double stacked, not a bare wall or minimalist look anywhere in this house! So yeah, I have come to accept the cluttered look of my house knowing that for it to be otherwise would mean Dave's absence and that's a road I refuse to travel upon! I digress...

The Christmas tree is sitting at the curb awaiting pick up today. It always saddens me to see it sitting there, stripped of its lights and ornaments, once the focal point of our living room when you walked into the front door.All the anticipation of choosing the tree, bringing it home and decorating it with the ornaments collected over the years, the tangible memories of childhood, long gone. Now it will be thrown onto the truck and it will be recycled into mulch. It is still useful and practical, still serving a purpose but without all the fanfare it once had. It got me to thinking that there has to be an "object lesson" tucked away in the old Christmas tree!
We aren't supposed to be be all flash and dash as Christians. All we say and do should draw attention to our Lord and Savior, not ourselves. We could stand around all glitzy and attention-seeking but maybe God would rather for us to be more like mulch! I never said it was a deep object lesson! Ha ha!

Today I will try to be more "Mulch-like"!

I AM BLESSED

2012-01-04T06:58:00.007-06:00

In my last post I had a less than upbeat rambling going on. I would be remiss if I didn't herald the blessings that 2011 contained.

While losing my Mom was painful, God blessed me beyond what I could ever think or imagine in those last 10 days I had with her. It didn't play out the way I had envisioned it but I know without a shadow of a doubt that God's ways are best. He allowed me to be there during the process of her transition. I still remember the sacredness of being in that room while I read Scripture over her and prayed and sang hymns. I still believe you could hear the rustle of angel's wings at that time. God went before us and worked out every last detail from Dave's MRI to Charlie's Semester Spring Finals to rescheduling Dave's Railroad Haz-Mat training in St Louis a week after my Mom went home to be with the Lord. (Dave and I with Dad at my Mom's funeral)

Dave's MRI showed that the cancer was contained to and around the prostate, it had not spread to the bones or other organs. God sustained me and gave me courage during his surgery. I was blessed to have Dave's youngest brother Perry, his wife Peggy (another one of my best friends) and Randy-a brother in Christ who waited with me during that time. The surgery was a success, the nodes were clean and Dave has made an almost complete recovery. He went on to do what he loves to do, hike as well as finish 3rd (his age group) in the First Annual Prostate Cancer Challenge 5K just 3 months after surgery. I have my best friend and closest confidant sharing my life's journey; yes, I am blessed! (Dave and Perry after his surgery.)

This year, Dave and I took some amazing trips. We went to Yellowstone for a week shortly after his surgery where we made some great memories. A time of healing physically and emotionally. (Dave getting ready to hike in Yellowstone.)

We spent 2 weeks in the Canyonlands of the Southwest visiting North and South Rims of the Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon and Arches.(The wonders of the Grand Canyon.)

(On the Bristlecone Loop Trail in Bryce Canyon National Park.)

(Dave photographing Courthouse Towers on the Park Avenue Hike in Arches National Park.)

We took a long weekend and went to Michigan to spend time with Dave's Aunt, Uncle and cousin. I am choosing to focus on the fun and NOT the 9 hours that we were stuck at the Milwaukee airport!(Visiting the family in Michigan.)

Dave and I celebrated our 25th Anniversary this year! What a blessing to be married to my best friend and soul mate for all of these years. What a thrill I still get from that man!

So yeah, 2011 had some stinky times but it also contained numerous blessings and THAT is what makes the ride worthwhile!

A NEW YEAR

2012-01-03T07:26:00.009-06:00

I can say with all honesty that I have never been more glad to see an old year end than 2011! One word expresses my outlook for 2012:
EXPECTATION

The major life-changing events of losing my Mom and dealing with grief, has overwhelmed me more than I could ever have realized. I kept a journal until she died and have not felt ready to open it and read what I had written on its pages. I know with certainty that God revealed truth to me at that time for my healing down the road. I also purchased a book on grief called "Motherless Daughters" that I plan to start this month. In my spirit I feel the time has come to confront my grief head on!

I have survived many of the "firsts" since my Mom went home to be with Jesus. My 51st Birthday was especially tough, I can't ever remember a time when she didn't wish me Happy Birthday and I longed to hear her voice just one more time... We survived Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, next up: Easter, her birthday on May 6th, Mother's Day and then May 16th, the "Anniversary" of her death. I think I am around 5 or 6 in the 7 Stages of Grief, it depends on the sort of day I am having.

I want to look back on this year a year from now and see how God has used this experience to mold me more into the image of Christ. Refining is a slow and sloppy process...

The other life-changing event of 2011 was staring down Dave's cancer, getting through his surgery and struggling with fear. He has always been a healthy guy, focusing on good nutrition and exercise, more so now than ever. He goes in regularly and has blood work done to make sure that the cancer hasn't resurfaced in another area and every time I hold my breath...

Satan has a habit of waking me up at 3:30 most mornings and whispering fear into my heart. He speaks his lies, plays on my fears and keeps me awake. Most times I yield my double edged sword and I am able to fend him off, other times he wins and the "what ifs" torture and torment me. My mind begins to think the worst, my heart begins to pound inside my chest and fear, like quicksand threatens to swallow me whole. I can no longer live like this, it is unacceptable.

Once again, I want to look back on this year a year from now and see how God has used this experience to mold me more into the image of Christ. Courage is not for the feint of heart...or maybe it is.

"Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway."
John Wayne

PS Ignore this STUPID "Text Enhance" garbage, I am still tweaking our computer after its recent crash...

WHERE?

2011-11-29T07:15:00.008-06:00

Where has the time gone? I have had no desire to blog as of late. I have been in a slump. the blahs, the whatevers...

We went home to St Louis for the Thanksgiving Holiday. This was our very first Holiday without my precious mother. Right out of the gate we went to Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery so I could visit her grave for the first time since the funeral. I wanted to go without an entourage of people because I knew how difficult it would be for me. I know that she's not really there but it was something that gave me another tangible link to my Mom.

There's a feeling that came over me while at Jefferson Barracks. It's almost sacred this place where our Military and their spouses are laid to rest. The uniformity of headstones, the seriousness of respect and dignity and yet there were traces of connectivity as well. People had put flowers or flags with "St Louis Cardinals World Series Champs" marked on them. I cried my tears and Dave held my hand while I marveled that it's been 6 months since I have heard her voice.

Right before we left, I told her that she was the best Mother ever. She already knew that because the 2 of us have never left words unspoken between us...

My first and foremost priority was spending time with my Dad. He had just gotten out of the hospital and I wanted him to know that our relationship is still as solid as ever. It was his marriage to my Mom that brought us together but it's our love for one another that keeps that bond tied so tightly. The stress of my Mom's illness has taken its toll on him emotionally and physically and he is at risk for another major heart attack if he's not careful.

Consequently we spent most of our time with Dad.

We ate at Home Town Buffet a few times...

Dad with Aly.

Jennifer and Dave.

Ashley & I.

Showing us his newest "toy", an ELSA-Experimental Light Structure Aircraft. (How appropriate since that's my Mom's name)

My 81 year old Dad playing Christmas Carols with his 2 year old Great Grandson Joel.

Memories...Beautiful and yet a piece of my heart is absent...
I love you Mutti...

MARRIAGE MONDAY

2011-10-17T06:52:00.009-05:00

Join us as we encourage one another and lift up the sanctity of Marriage! This month's topic is INFERTILITY.

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Since I have been blessed with 4 children I didn't think I would have anything to contribute this month. Although I had suffered a miscarriage many years ago, infertility has never been an issue for me. My insight comes from the perspective of parenting a child, who has had difficulties sustaining not one but 6 pregnancies.

Our oldest daughter Jennifer is a lovely, Godly woman, a pure joy and privilege to call daughter!! Jennifer and her husband Corey have always been held in high regard within our family. Although they married young, they put their dreams of children on hold until Jennifer graduated from College with Corey following, 3 1/2 years later.
Wedding Day 1998

When the time was right, we were thrilled to get a call from them telling us we'd be a GIGI and Grampy again. (We had became grandparents for the first time in 2002 when our daughter Jessica had Jacey Beth) I immediately ran out and bought Jenn a pregnancy journal and shared in the anticipation of a new grandchild! I still remember the phone call telling me that she had miscarried at 6 weeks. We were saddened but I gently told her that something must have been terribly wrong for this to have happened and that she would come to see that this was for the best.

We received another phone call, less than 2 months later informing us that once again, a grandchild was on the way! While the thought of her recent miscarriage was still fresh, we had no reason to think that the same thing would happen as before, 6 weeks in, she lost this baby as well.

One of the hardest things as a mother is to watch your child in pain, whether it's physical or emotional pain, you want to protect your child. How do you answer her questions of "why"?

"Why did this happen again?

"Why is that women who don't even WANT children can get pregnant so easily?

"Why do these same women have abortions when all I want is a child of my own to hold?"

"Why, when Corey and I have done everything right in our lives, is this going terribly wrong?"

"What is the physical problem?"

There is no band-aid for that kind of hurt! I remember praying for her and asking God to give me the right words to comfort her. I prayed for answers to her questions...

After her second miscarriage she decided that her OB/GYN was much too casual about her losses. I believe that God provided answers for us through giving Jennifer special insight and discernment through the Holy Spirit. My first-born is very direct and decided that she was going to a infertility/high risk OB/GYN. Enter Dr. Penney in Columbia, MO, now retired. After performing tests and discovering that Jenn is RH-, he also determined that getting pregnant wasn't the issue, sustaining the pregnancy however was! Jenn's body wasn't producing Progesterone so that by 6 weeks, the embryo, lacking nourishment would miscarry. I am thankful that God answered our prayers and that Jenn followed the Holy Spirit's leading in this matter.

For the 3rd time in less than 5 months, we found ourselves receiving the news that Jenn and Corey were expecting! This time was different however, her doctor was addressing the issues at hand and a game plan was in place even before she conceived! Receiving replacement hormones, taking baby aspirin and a constant vigil of prayer over this child and on February 25th 2004, I received a phone call that Jenn was being induced the next day! I left Texas at 5PM, drove straight through the night and arrived in Columbia 11 hours later. That afternoon, Alyson Jordan, an answered prayer was born!!

Aly with Dr. Penney.

Our "Aly-Cat"!

When Aly was 10 months old, Jenn unexpectedly found herself pregnant. Dr. Penney began her hormone replacement but it was too little too late and she had a 3rd miscarriage.

In February of 2006 we were awaiting the arrival of Jennifer and Corey's 2nd child. Dr. Penney had planned to induce Jenn on that Valentines Day and I had made the trip in from Texas to be there when she was born. Accompanying Jennifer to her appointment we were disappointed to find out that the baby had flipped and was breech. Once again, my direct daughter went into "take action" mode. We visited her chiropractor who worked her "magic" and sent us home. While rubbing specific pressure points I literally watched our grand-daughter roll over and right into position! The next day, February 15th, our Ashley Elizabeth was born!!
Baby Ashley with big sister Aly and Mommy!

In 2009 we were blessed with our first grandson, Joel Michael. I was unable to be there for his birth since our youngest was graduating from High School but I was able to hold him a week later!

Dave holding our first grandson!
My Mom LOVED her family!!

I recognize that our family has been blessed and that not everyone has a happy ending to their story like we do. For what we have, we are eternally grateful!!

Ashley, Joel and Alyson!

GYPYSIES ON THE MOVE!

2011-09-15T07:16:00.005-05:00

One week from tomorrow, Dave and I will be headed Southwest for vacation. This is the original vacation we had planned for us this year; the One Week Yellowstone trip was our "spur of the moment" trip, celebrating our survival of a rough year.

I'm sure for people that really know us, the idea of "spur of the moment" ANYTHING, seems like an oxymoron! We are the kind of people who plan our vacations 1-2 years ahead of time (2012 is already planned and we have 2013 in the works!) and Dave spends hours researching hiking trails, sites and so on. I joke that I have my own personal Travel Agent!

We will visit the Grand Canyon in Arizona, Bryce Canyon and Arches National Parks in Utah. In 2006 we took this trip as a family celebrating Laura's graduation from High School. On that vacation we caught the North Rim of the Grand Canyon, this trip we will do the South Rim as well!
(Arches National Park, June 2006)

(Park Avenue hike, Arches NP, June 200.)
(Bryce Canyon National Park, June 2006)
(Queen's Garden Trail, Bryce Canyon National Park, June 2006)
(Grand Canyon National Park, June 2006)

I LOVE taking vacations in the Fall! There are fewer visitors to the National Parks since families are in the throes of the school year and the weather is much more enjoyable! I love to hike when it's cooler, layering up and hitting the trail! I've begun going through my closet, pulling out long sleeve shirts, jackets and jeans to throw into my duffle. Packing begins this weekend in earnest.

8 days and counting...

MARRIAGE MONDAY

2011-09-12T06:55:00.008-05:00

It's Fall and Marriage Monday has started up again! Join us as we encourage one another and lift up the sanctity of Marriage! This month's topic:
COMMUNICATION

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I come from a family of MIND READERS, or at least that's what we tend to believe. To say I come from a family of NON-Communicators would be an understatement. I grew up being parented by a Single Mom who due to her upbringing and personality, could be quite passive. My maternal Grandmother (my OMI) was a force to be reckoned with and had her own agenda in life. Pretty much my mother and my grandfather (my OPI) let her rule the roost. Living in Germany through the horrors of World War 2 and then its occupation, one had to be strong if you were going to survive. Coupled with the fact that my Omi & Opi had lost 2 children, before my Mom was born in their latter years, its understandable why my Omi was overprotective and downright smothering of my Mom.

(My Omi & Opi and my Mother, refugees, 1948.)

My father's raising was different but equally difficult. He was raised by a Single Mom and then later had an abusive stepfather who was also an alcoholic. My Paternal Grandmother made many sacrifices (going hungry so my father and my Uncle had foot to eat) and worked hard manual labor, picking and chopping cotton out in the fields to provide for her boys. With no strong, Godly role model in his life, my father by the time he was 16 was a wild, young man.
(My Grandmother with my father, left and my Uncle on the right, *1941)

My parents met when my father was stationed in Germany in 1958. They fell in love, were married and I was born 3 weeks after my Mother came to America. (My parents dancing at the Oasis Club when he was stationed in Friedberg, Germany, 1958)

Sadly they divorced when I was just 6 years old. I had many insecurities as a little girl and like many children I figured that their divorce was somehow MY fault. So many of my experiences shaped and molded the decisions that I made as I grew older. My bad choices were exactly that, MINE and mine alone, still it helps to understand the WHYS of life.

I looked for security and stability in relationships with men. I didn't grow up knowing that the ultimate relationship to have is one with Jesus Christ, the lover of my soul! By the time I was 24 I had been married twice, divorced twice & had 2 precious daughters, Jennifer and Jessica. I had given the keys of my life to Christ and told him to drive, I was the passenger and he was in control. When I finally surrendered my life I always envision God sighing a huge sigh of relief and rolling up His sleeves, saying,
"At last, I can bless her life and give her the things MY heart desires for her!"

One of the many blessings I received was my husband Dave. We met in the Singles Sunday School class at our church and after becoming good friends, we fell in love. Dave has a very strong personality and can be brutally honest. He is a straight shooter and doesn't mince words. I wish I could say that I had the communication thing worked out the instant I became a Christian but I didn't. My insecurities reared their ugly head every time we had words or Dave voiced his displeasure or disappointment. In that instant satan would whisper his lies into my ears,
"It's only a matter of time before Dave leaves you just like every other man in your life has left you."
Sadly I believed the lie and lived in bondage and fear for many years.

I could write a post in and of itself of the miraculous transformation that occurred within me 11 years ago. God revealed Himself to me and I understood in that instant that my identity, worth and value was found in Him, I was HIS, the apple of His eye!! I could never have known the ripple effect that would come from that revelation! The bondage that had held me captive for so long, the fear that if I wasn't perfect that I would be alone again, was gone!

One of the transformations that occurred was that our marriage took on an intimacy level that I never knew existed! I never knew that I could have open communication with another human being and not be afraid to share the depths of myself with them! Another by-product of my liberation was that Dave changed as well. He is still forthright and honest but he has lost his edge and is more sensitive when he speaks.
(Dave and I, Yellowstone National Park August 2011)

We have been through many things together, most recently my Mother dying of cancer and his own cancer diagnosis and surgery 3 months ago. Recently he told me that I am his very best friend and that there is no one else he'd rather spend his time with, than me.

For someone who grew up in the midst of dysfunction and insecurity all I can say is that only God can perform a miracle like that!!

DREAMING

2011-09-09T08:14:00.002-05:00

It's been forever since I've written but I have given myself permission to stay away. Some days are light and breezy while some days are heavy and stormy. I don't care how many books on grief you read or how many conversations you have with people who have went through losing a parent, it's not the same when it happens to YOU!

I used to think that losing someone gradually over time was better than an instaneous shock like a car accident or a heart attack. In some ways I DID have an opportunity to accept the fact that my Mom was going to lose her battle with cancer but head knowledge and heart knowledge are two different things entirely. Whether fighting cancer or dying unexpectedly, the end result is the same, my Mom is gone and I am hurting...

I see my Mom everywhere. I catch glimpses of her in my children and I see her in my own mannerisms. I remember a long time ago, saying something and thinking, "Stop that! You sound JUST like your Mother!" At the time, I was upset that I would turn into her but now that she's gone and I appreciate the woman she was, I would wear that label as a badge of honor!! I keep a picture of the 2 of us in the Scrap Booking Room, I never realized before that I have her nose!

Appreciation...did I appreciate her enough while she was living? I'd like to think I did, but only she would know the answer to that question...

(Mom and I at Laura's High School Graduation, 2006)

I have regrets in my relationship with my Mother. One in particular is how self-absorbed I was when she lost her own mother, my Omi. In 1984 I was nearly 24 years old, was a single Mom for the 2nd time and pretty wrapped up in my own world. I never thought to ask HER how SHE was feeling, what I could do for HER, I'm here for YOU if you want to talk, does it ever get easier and so on. Nope, all I could think of was how it affected ME. Now that I am in her shoes it's not like I can go to her and ask for advice on how to deal with the pain that strangles my heart and leaves me wondering if I'll ever be able to move forward.

My Mom and I were close, I just never realized how entwined we were until now!! If I were given just 5 minutes to tell her that I was sorry for not being more sensitive to her own loss when my Omi died, I KNOW what she would say,
"It's okay, don't worry about it",
because that's what Moms do! As Moms we might get our feelings hurt but our unconditional love for our children, supercedes all of that!

Unconditional love...As human beings, our Mothers are our first experience with unconditional love. I have lost my advocate, my champion, my very first cheerleader. Our Mothers have known us the longest, they are our first connection and in the case of my relationship with my Mom, we have shared things together that no one else has experienced. (My daughter Jennifer reminded me of that!) No wonder there's a gaping hole in my heart!

I have had dreams of my Mother since she passed away. Initially, she was just there, no words were exchanged between us. As of late, I have dreams of her in those hours before I wake for the day and we engage in conversation. Always, the conversation revolves around her dying and I wake up feeling her loss all over again. Yesterday I awoke sobbing and Dave had to hold me in his arms to calm me down. I have always thought of dreams as an escape but I also know that sometimes God uses dreams to speak to us, He certainly has done it with me in the past. I find myself praying that if God has something for me within these dreams that the Holy Spirit would help me to recognize it.

If not, I would just as soon pass on having dreams of my Mom just yet, it's getting more and more difficult to move forward...

CH-CH-CHANGES...

2011-08-18T07:24:00.004-05:00

Although I can't say I have ever been a fan of David Bowie's, this title seemed to fit. My life as of late has been more about changing rather than consistency. I admit, I miss my old life, the boring, mundane, routine one where everything had its individual place without much overlapping into other areas. My Sister-in-Law Peggy told me about a book titled,
"Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti".

a man is like a waffle (each element of his life is in a separate box), while a woman is like spaghetti (everything in her life touches everything else),

That would describe things accurately; my life is shlopping all over the place!

The next change on the short horizon is Charlie transferring up to OU (University of Oklahoma) in Norman, Oklahoma:
BOOMER SOONER!!

This has been his life's dream for as long as anyone can remember! Our son has been obsessed with weather his whole life and is pursuing his degree in Mass Communication and Broadcast Journalism, emphasis on Meteorology. We had him attend college locally for 2 years since it is cheaper than out of state tuition and now it has run its course. Come Saturday, we are OU-bound!

Last month I began gathering stuff together for his transition. He will NOT be in a dorm but rather a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom furnished apartment on campus. He is excited and yet somewhat nervous. I am excited and yet somewhat nervous. A whole new chapter is opening up in his life, filled with unlimited possibilities!

Today I am washing bedding and towels, dishes and such and organizing everything so that getting him all settled in will go a bit smoother. Saturday morning we will load up the caravan of vehicles and hit the road by 6AM for the 2.5 hour drive north up Interstate 35. We'll unload, (actually everyone ELSE will unload-I'm not risking a setback with my back), carry everything up to the 3rd floor and start putting stuff away! Being a good Mom, I am leaving him with a big batch of my Buffalo and Black Bean Chili! I have a surprise as well and will blog about it once we have him moved!

Saturday is a big ch-ch-change for this Mom. My "baby" is flying from the nest and sprouting his wings! His journey begins...

LOSS AND LOST

2011-08-16T07:05:00.004-05:00

This week has been difficult and it's only Tuesday morning! I think all the upheaval in my life is catching up with me. Now that a little time has elapsed since my mom's death and Dave's cancer surgery I'm taking stock in my life. It felt as if I had been thrown into deep waters with no life jacket, frantically treading water, just trying to stay afloat. Now that the panic has subsided I find myself, still in deep waters but without the frantic flailing of a drowning woman. I have a calmness, a resignation if you will to the situation...

Now I am just trying to redefine myself.

My Mom is gone, 3 months ago today she drew her last breath here on earth. In some ways it feels like she's been gone so much longer than that! I have never gone this long without talking to her and I feel a bit lost. Next month is my 51st Birthday and it will be the first time in my entire life that she will not be there to sing to me, send me a card, tell me she loves me and so on.
(Mom and Dad, April 2005)
She and dad have had a tradition that as a family we always enjoy and look forward to:
Several years ago I had gotten them a little felt German hat that yodels when tapped. On our birthdays they would call us, "play" the yodeling hat and sing "Happy Birthday" to us. They called themselves, "The Happy Yodelers"! It might seem really silly to some people but it's one of the little things that I know that we as a family will miss. Last year on My 50th Birthday, Dave and I left on our trip for Banff and Jasper up in Alberta, Canada. They called me for my birthday that evening as we sat in a restaurant in Lake Louise. Instantly I wished I had let it go to my Voice Mail so that I could revisit it anytime I wanted to. There will be no yodeling from my Mom next month...

The other day when I was in Hobby Lobby I saw that they already have a lot of their Christmas stuff out. I got all excited and started down the first aisle. I automatically thought to myself,
"Oh, Mom would love that for Christmas!"
I barely made it through the aisle and got away from the Christmas section as quickly as I could! Another first for our family this year besides Birthdays; Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, all without my Mom.

My Sister-In-Law Peggy and I talked for 2 hours last night. She lost her younger sister to a drunk driver 36 years ago when her sister was just a Senior in High School. Peg told me that it does ease over time but certain things will trigger sadness; sadness over all of the things she has missed because her sister was taken so young. She told me that "it can still hurt because we have loved so deeply."

I am understanding just how true of a statement that is!

THE JOURNAL

2011-08-12T06:55:00.011-05:00

I have enjoyed writing as far back as I can remember. I had a teacher in grade school who encouraged me to write my poems and thoughts down on paper. I had spiral bound notebooks with cartoons, song lyrics and my aimless drivel in my room. (I don't know where they are today and maybe that's for the best!) In my day, girls kept diaries, cute little books that were bound, complete with a tiny little key to unlock the pages that held our thoughts. It's pages were filled with nonsensical gigglings about boys we had crushes on or how UN-cool our parents were and how they didn't understand us! I tried the cute little diary once and went back to my spiral notebooks!

I met my best friend Brenda this past April in Little Rock, Arkansas for our annual Beth Moore Living Proof Bible seminar. We stopped at MARDEL that first evening and I bought a journal that was on clearance for $2.99. I get excited when I see all that blank paper in front of me. The anticipation of the thoughts that will be scribbled inside, gives me the same feeling as a fresh, unopened box of Crayola crayons! Remember when as children, we got a new box of 24 or if you were really lucky, you got the big box with the built-in sharpener, at the beginning of the school year? There was anticipation, excitement and a promise of good things to come. A kind of tangible HOPE, as it were.

I put my new journal in my Beth Moore bag along with my Bible and looked forward to what that weekend of teaching would bring...

God certainly met me that weekend. I will never forget during the Ministry time the Holy Spirit falling on me and I just sobbed my guts out, all over Brenda! I have cried the ugly cry too many times to count in my life but this went beyond that and then some...
(With Beth Moore at a book signing here in Dallas, 2009)

I remember telling Brenda afterwards that I felt that God had had me empty myself so that He could fill me up more with HIMSELF. Now that I look back, no truer words were ever spoken. Within 1 month, my Mom would be gone and my husband and I would be facing down the gun barrel of his prostate cancer.

In the last days I spent with my Mom I wrote in that brand new journal. It's once crisp pages are now wrinkled and tear-stained. Ironically, its exact number of pages are completely filled with all of my thoughts and events of that time, right down to the last line and my last sentence! It was predestined if you will, for that purpose.

Once we came back home to Texas at the end of May after burying my Mom and I had helped Dad to sort through some of her things, the journal has stayed in my Bible Study bag. I have YET to take it out, let alone read through it once again. While there is SO much of God's intimate and ongoing presence written in its pages, there is much pain as well.

A time is coming for me to pull it out and begin reading through it. I sense a good healing awaits me as I relive that painful chapter in my life. I believe that God gave me answers to questions that were unasked at the time; questions that have since arisen, that I don't know how to answer.

When summer winds down and the season begins to transition to Autumn, I too will begin my transition. I will slow my pace, take a deep breath and allow God to apply His healing salve to my wounded heart. My healing awaits...

"Then shall your light break forth like the morning, and your healing (your restoration and the power of a new life) shall spring forth speedily; your righteousness (your rightness, your justice, and your right relationship with God) shall go before you [conducting you to peace and prosperity], and the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard."
(Isaiah 58:8 Amplified)

A LITTLE BREAK

2011-08-10T07:26:00.004-05:00

It has been a while since I have blogged. In truthfulness I have been so completely drained by the events of the past year+ that everything has just dried up inside of me. Only the Lord's constant renewal, in the MIDST of our extreme worst time allowed ANY words at all, to flow out of me. Once He had carried us through the worst of it, I found myself taking a break altogether!

I have had a time of refreshing as well as a small amount of time to do some grieving and I am slowly beginning to feel the old me coming back to life. I didn't realize how much of me was on auto-pilot during all of this. Sometimes, it has been an incredible effort just to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other.

A new season has begun in my life. I now know what it feels like to lose a parent. This was something I had observed in my peers-Dave and other close friends-but not myself personally. I now find myself in the ill fitting position of matriarch. I do not want to be in this position because to actually BE the matriarch means I have to acknowledge that my beloved Mom is in deed, really gone. Some days it just seems like she's back home in Missouri waiting for me and at other times, the sadness rolls over me like a tsunami taking me out to the ocean''s depths...

I continually remind myself that she is with the Lord and that all of her suffering is over. She abides in the fulfillment of grace! She basks in unbroken, untainted, ongoing communion with the Lord and nothing on this earth could satisfy her after experiencing that! Still, a part of me longs to hear her voice, talk with her, just BE with her and I know that is not possible.
(A rare moment where my Mom let us see another side of her!)

The other day I was shopping at Sprawl-Mart and I ran into a little German lady right in the baked potato chip aisle. Her accent drew me instantly; not because I ever actually HEARD my Mother's accent, but it was her mannerisms, that held me frozen in time. The turn of her head, the motion of her hands, the pauses in her sentences suddenly made me see a glimpse of my Mom. I got choked up and told her that I had just lost my Mom and that I had been inexplicably drawn to her. After we parted company I cried for several aisles right there in that warehouse sized grocery store!!

I know the separation is temporary, a blink in eternity's eye but right now it seems so permanent...

This is life.

Sometimes life gives us wild and insane happiness, joy and exuberant passion just to BE alive.

Other times life gives us sadness and sorrow that swallows us up in the darkest of nights.

Through it all, ONE remains...

"I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."
(Philippians 4:12-13 English Standard Version)

A LITTLE RANDOMNESS

2011-07-27T07:05:00.007-05:00

A little randomness is good for the soul. At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I have had quite a bit going on and one thing in particular I'm not quite ready to share on the World Wide Web, just yet!

Today Dave has his first Labs since his cancer surgery last month. This will now be a regular part of our lives. Unfortunately he runs the risk of cancer reoccuring, obviously not in the prostate since that's gone but elsewhere. The surgeon told me right after surgery that he got all the cancer and the pathology reports confirmed that. His bone scan that he had done before surgery was clean and so we are hopeful that this lab work is going to be normal. We refuse to live in fear of the cancer coming back, life is too short to not live each day to its fullest.

Speaking of which, Dave is recovering nicely. He's not 100% yet but he's jogging 2 miles a day now. We go out at 5:30 in the morning and we walk a 1/2 mile lap together around the lake, then he jogs 2 laps while I continue walking. He repeats this and then we walk a lap together. I'm walking a minimum of 2.5 miles every morning, more on the weekends. This has been wonderful because we talk while we're walking and while he's jogging I get to have some quiet time with the Lord. There really haven't been any incontinence issues to speak of and the other part will just take time. I am just grateful to have Superman by my side! (Dave with his "Superman" father's day cake made by our very own, Laura Lou!)

I went to a Chiropractor yesterday because I have been in pain since Thursday night. I had a pretty normal work week last week and on occasion, I will have a backache if I've done a lot of sweeping, mopping and vacuuming. Thursday evening I just assumed that was the reason for my back hurting. A good night's sleep, a couple of Tylenol and I'm usually ready to ride the bull again! WRONG-O! I awoke Friday morning and I was hurting, it just got progressively worse over the weekend. It's bad when it hurts like crazy to slightly bend over the sink to brush your teeth or wash your hands! The pain is concentrated in my right back hip area. I had to cancel my 3 cleaning jobs for this week because I was in NO shape to work!

I went in yesterday and he did some x-rays on me, he wanted to make sure there wasn't anything else going on that might require more than his services. As he whipped out the x-rays he told me,
"The good news is that your spine looks really good! No bone spurs, nice space in between the vertebrae, etc."
Then he showed me the 2nd x-ray, of my pelvic area and said,
"However, this is not good!"

The x-rays revealed I am horribly out of alignment in my hips. So much so that my right leg is *1.5 inches shorter than the other! He told me that typically this doesn't just happen unless you suffer a sudden trauma. In all likelihood this has been ongoing and your body will eventually reach a point and scream "UNCLE!!" That's apparently what has happened. I took a very bad fall *10 years ago from the roof when I was hanging Christmas lights in which I took 10 stitches to the back of the head and 3 in my leg. I wonder if that could have been the beginning of the misalignment?

He readjusted me and it hurt but in a good way! Then they did electrical muscle stimulation in the area. I am going back this morning and tomorrow morning and will almost certainly have to do some more follow up once we are home from vacation. It's been nice to unexpectedly not have to work this week but I've been too crippled up to do much of anything!

The day after tomorrow, Dave and I leave on our vacation. We both agree that we both desperately are in need of some R&R and a break from our daily lives! I've been getting stuff together and still have some odds and ends packing to do. Since it's only a week we won't require as much stuff and there won't be any camping whatsoever on this trip. When we planned this last minute trip before Dave's surgery, not knowing the outcome, we figured sleeping in a tent on an air mattress might not be a great idea! (Dave and I at our home away from home, Old Faithful Inn in Yellowstone National Park! Summer 2010)

The other big pre-occupation of my time has been gathering stuff together for Charlie's move to OU in Norman, Oklahoma next month. He'll be living in an on campus apartment and not a dorm room so he needs some basic stuff. The apartment comes furnished and he has been communicating with his room mate already who is from Pennsylvania. I am excited for him to spread his wings more and experience this next chapter in his life! (One of the beautiful buildings on OU's campus!)

MAKING PLANS

2011-06-30T08:42:00.008-05:00

I can't believe it's been a week since I last blogged! I have had something going on that has required a considerable amount of mental energy, leaving me drained. Satan has been working overtime on me and I am just going to have to rely fully on the Lord and let Him work it out! Down the road, I will be able to post about this and how God has went before me on this, making a way for me through the fog.

Dave returned to work this past Monday. It's hard to believe that, in just shy of 2 weeks that he had his prostate removed and has recovered enough to resume his work duties full-time. He began jogging a little yesterday, 1/2 mile and then 1 1/2 miles today! No Thanks! I don't jog OR run, not even if a herd of Grizzlies are after me! My short, fat legs just won't cooperate! I'll hike for miles and hours on end just don't ask me to run...

Speaking of hiking...I am getting pretty excited about leaving on our Yellowstone trip 4 weeks from tomorrow! We typically visit Yellowstone at least once a year and have hiked countless miles there! Dave has a few new hikes on the itinerary this year, one in particular sounds daunting- "7 Mile Hole". It descends down into the canyon of the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone and then naturally, you have to hike back up out if it!! I have read that it's a strenuous, 10 mile round trip hike with 1400 feet elevation gain and supposedly takes 5 hours....yeah right! We typically stay for an hour at our destination point, a reward for all of our efforts to get there. Dave is a Photographer who takes pictures along the way and I am slow, so this is going to be an all day hike I'm sure!!
(Dave and I in Yellowstone, Summer 2010 on the Point Sublime Trail. We'll be hiking down into this canyon!)

We'll have some of our normal hikes that we enjoy and a return to a couple of places that we haven't been to in a while. I am getting excited to say the least! I have begun wearing my new ASOLO hiking Boots that we bought this Spring, on our morning walks to get them better broken in. I'll probably have a good 50+ miles logged in on these by the time we leave. I'll be bringing my good old COLUMBIA boots as a back up. Oh how I wish those ones were water-proof! When you hike your feet have to be happy and my COLUMBIA's definitely make my feet happy!

ENJOYING LIFE

2011-06-24T07:10:00.003-05:00

Today is filled with contentment. I am off work today so Dave and I will go out later and run a few errands. We walked 3 miles this morning-we were talking so much we didn't realize how much ground we were covering! I am in a great mood!
(Grampy & "Kit-Kat", March 2011)

Vacation plans are officially a go and 5 weeks from today, we will be Yellowstone bound! When we learned that Dave had Prostate Cancer his "Wilderness Man Fishing Trip" with our son Charlie, Dave's best friend Big Charlie as well as Big Charlie's son David, had to be cancelled. It has been rescheduled for June 2012. With its cancellation, 2 weeks were suddenly freed up and Dave threw out a couple of suggestions for a 1 week trip in August, Yellowstone being one of them.

I've written countless times that Yellowstone is Dave's favorite National Park and since the choice was left up to me, I voted for Yellowstone. My rationale was based on the unknown, not knowing what we might be facing and that Yellowstone might be a much needed pick me up for Dave. I don't regret my choice even with the excellent report we received! It'll just be the 2 of us with some hikes planned for most days.

I am viewing that trip as a reward from God. I like what Dave said the other day,

"I think we've earned it!"

I couldn't agree more!!

TOO SOON?

2011-06-23T07:03:00.005-05:00

Is it too soon to think that Dave is a cancer survivor? Probably so but after experiencing the decline of my Mom to cancer and ultimately witnessing her death last month, Dave's good report has me feeling triumphant!
(Grampy & 'The Bean", October 2010)

He had his Post-Op appointment yesterday where they removed the catheter, AKA "the ball & chain" and the Surgeon went over the findings of the Pathology report, he was VERY pleased with the results! He reminded us however that this WAS serious and not to minimize the aggressiveness of this cancer. I am thankful that Dave has been so diligent with his annual physical! He exhibited NO symptoms whatsoever when they caught this! As aggressive as this cancer was, by the time he WOULD have shown signs, in all likelihood, it would have been a different outcome for us! Dave has to go back in 30 days for blood work and then every 3 months for the first year. At this point in time, no follow up for chemo and/or radiation! We went in knowing it was a 50/50 shot that it was a possibility but thankfully, that's not necessary. He will be returning to work already this Monday.

Since his release from the hospital last Wednesday we have been out walking every morning, about 2.5 miles now. The doctor told him he could begin jogging again on Monday as well. Before his surgery he usually jogged in the evenings but he has decided to continue going out early in the morning even after he goes back to work. I DO NOT jog so I will walk while he's out there being a maniac! I've enjoyed our early morning walks, chatting, watching the sun rise and so on....

I am drawn back to something our son-in-law said to me on April 18th, the day Dave told me the biopsy diagnosed him with Prostate Cancer. He said,
"You and Dave are already close, I can't imagine how much closer this is going to make you."
I remember at the time thinking that was a really sweet thing to say but now, 2 months later, we are closer than I could have ever imagined!

This experience has bound our hearts together even tighter. I am convinced that without the Lord Himself being that 3rd cord, we would have unraveled! I am still trying to process EVERYTHING that the Lord has done, what He has been, how He has sustained us and I think I will still being seeing the ripple effects in years to come!

"A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12 (New Living Translation)

PATHOLOGY REPORT

2011-06-21T07:17:00.007-05:00

Yesterday was a good day! The best thing that happened was that the Surgeon called us last night with Dave's Pathology Report on the tissue and lymph node samples that they took last Tuesday morning. In his words, it was an excellent report! No cancer in any of it! When I answered the phone he told me that he wasn't certain that anyone had called us yet with Dave's results so he was doing some follow up. WOW, a personal phone call! Tomorrow is the post-op appointment and we will have some follow up questions to ask. I feel as if we just dodged, not a bullet but a mortar round!!

Dave told me that right after his surgery he received his first "specific" peace over our situation. We both had had the "generic" peace, the kind that says,
"God's handling this one"
but nothing specific that says the cancer is not going to be an issue. Dave had that reassurance right after he came out of surgery. I think in some ways I am in a bit of a shock and in other ways I am unruffled because God assured us all along that He was in control.
(Dave in Sequoia/Kings Canyon National Parks with the Sierra Nevada range in the distance.)

I've been thinking a LOT lately about faith and trust. It used to be I thought that they were one and the same but not so much any more. Faith is knowing and believing that God is more than able to come through on our behalf. Trust is surrender, pure and simple; whatever the process, whatever the means that God is working this out, He will do it in the way that is best. I'm always drawn to something I remember from Beth Moore's study on "DANIEL".

When WE are in the fiery furnace sometimes God will deliver us FROM the fire, sometimes God delivers us IN the fire and sometimes, God delivers us THROUGH the fire.

He decides which way is best for us and which way will glorify His Son best.

This morning I feel like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego,
"...not a hair singed, not a scorch mark on their clothes, not even the smell of fire on them!" (Daniel 3:27)

THE CALM

2011-06-19T07:19:00.004-05:00

The last few days we have been in a state of regrouping ourselves. The surgery is behind us, Dave is home and is recovering. (Dave and I on my surprise Balloon Ride for my 50th Birthday! October 2010)

We are waiting for the pathology results on tissue, etc that they took during the surgery. I had hoped we would know something by Friday but we didn't hear from the Doctor's office. It would be nice to hear back tomorrow but if not, Dave has a Post-Op appointment on Wednesday. I am trying to keep a grip on myself since we had to go 2 weeks before hearing the results from his MRI which indicated cancer outside the prostate. One can't help but think to themselves,
"Hmmm...?"

Dave is bound to his "ball & chain", the Catheter but that should come out on Wed at the Post-Op appointment. He's been walking daily, resting and limiting his intake of pain medication. (John Wayne would be proud!) He's handling the inactivity pretty well considering he is a guy who is always on the move. I too have slowed down the pace; usually he and I are fulfilling commitments out the wazoo! He is "SLUG" and I am "SLUG-ETTE"!

Dave's brother Perry and my sis in law left yesterday morning, homeward bound. Their company was such a breath of fresh air! They had figured they would be doing work around here, laundry, lawn, etc but we had taken care of everything before hand. What they gave us was SO much more than practical help, they gave us emotional support, diversion, laughter and love! Dave and I will cherish their giving of themselves for the rest of our lives!

Today is Father's Day but he had requested before his surgery to celebrate NEXT weekend. Another quiet, laid back day for us today. He's not up for church since that would also entail wearing pants (to cover the catheter) in 100+ degree heat! I am still debating on whether I will go. I am sure I'll have to answer a lot of inquiries and IT IS Father's Day as well. A part of me feels like I NEED to be there however, offering up my praises to God and worshiping Him with love and gratitude.

When I see it in writing it's a no-brainer...I am going to go and get myself ready for church!

LIFE AT HOME

2011-06-16T07:46:00.003-05:00

I went to the hospital yesterday morning and Dave confirmed that he was being sprung by noon-and he was!! He was already untethered from IV's but he used the IV pole to hang the catheter bag from and for support while we roamed the halls again. We got instructions and we were out of there by 11:30 and home by 12:30!

He is doing GREAT! His pain is more related to his back and shoulder than it is to his actual surgery! He was having some rotator cuff issues already and we believe that him being splayed out on that "ironing board" that they call a table, really aggravated it! Between massages, "Icy-Hot" and a heating pad, we're trying to work the discomfort out.
(Before being discharged, trying to massage the soreness out of his shoulder and back.)

We all pretty much vegged out in front of the TV yesterday, ordering pizza for dinner. Perry & Peggy headed back to their hotel around 7 PM and Dave was sleeping on the couch by 7:30! I called it a night at 10 and went to bed, leaving him on the couch. I got up and checked on him around 1:30, went back to bed and slept until 5 AM. When I got up at 5 he was awake.

As it turns out he woke up around midnight, was up for about an hour and then went back to bed. He showered this morning, had a breakfast of Scrambled Eggs with Biscuits & Gravy and then the 2 of us walked about 1 1/2 miles this morning!

He's resting on the couch, Superman is home and my heart is happy...

BEHIND US

2011-06-15T06:04:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was one of the longest days of my life! I awoke before the alarm went off and we were out the door by 4:40 AM, bound for downtown Dallas. It was pretty quiet between us, both of us having lots on our minds during the 45 minute drive. We got him checked in and around 5:30 they took him back to prep him for surgery. Our dear friend Randy arrived a short time later and around 6 they called me so I could go back to be with Dave. At 6:40 I got Randy so we could pray together over Dave. At 7 they wheeled him into surgery, half of my heart was suddenly gone...
(God knew that this little David would grow up to be a man like King David, one who would seek him with his whole heart!)

The time in the waiting area passed rather well. We were joined by Perry and Peggy and the mood was kept light. We shared stories, lots of smiles and laughter and I held it together pretty well. Once in a while I'd begin to think about what was actually being done to Dave and I'd get pretty quiet. I think Perry could tell because out of the blue, he'd say something and focus my attention elsewhere. The Surgeon said he would call me on my cell phone rather than the "house phone" to let me know how things went. Imagine my anxiety when the Receptionist called my name and told me he wanted to see me! I waited in the Consultation Room, telling satan to shut up and keep his doubts and fears to himself. I prayed and told God,
"Whatever this is, You will see us through this!"
As it turned out he was unable to reach me on my piece of cr*p cell phone!

The Surgeon told me that the surgery went VERY well and that he got all the cancer. In removing the Prostate he was able to leave nerve endings and tissue on the left side, which increases his chances to have normal function. We should have the Pathology report by Friday evening which will tell us more. The Surgeon told me that he would be moving into recovery soon and that he was pleased at how things went. I went back out to the waiting area, huddled our group together and shared the positive report. Finally, I took a deep breath and fell into Perry's hug and cried!

I was more antsy waiting for him to come out of recovery and settling into his room than I was during his actual surgery! We were given his room number, went up to the 7th floor and waited for him in the family room to come up. I hung in the doorway anxious to catch a glimpse of him. It was the same feeling you get when you are waiting at the airport for someone you love to come down the walkway. You haven't seen them for a long time and the anticipation of your reunion just overwhelms you! Suddenly, there he was and he waved at me!! My heart melted and the tears flowed!

Once they got him settled and we were allowed into his room, I breathed another deep breath! He was still pretty out of it but he was talking to us. We decided to go eat some lunch so he could sleep a little more and Randy headed into work.

Jessica, Laura, Charlie and "The Bean" (they snuck her in) came a short time later bringing a bunch of balloons, a candy bouquet and a "Bowl 'O Fun" to keep Dave occupied (everything from silly string to bubbles and everything in between!) They left a short time later and grabbed a bite to eat with Perry and Peggy leaving Dave and I alone. We both dozed a bit, he in his bed obviously and I on the couch in his room.

At 3:30, the Nurse helped him to get out of bed and into a chair to sit up for a while. After sitting a while he got up and paced, taking baby steps around the room. As soon as he was given the thumbs up, we were walking the hall! After being on his feet for about an hour, he decided to lie back down and rest. Perry and Peggy came back and a little later on, we were walking the hall again.

Around 8:30, the 3 of us left to head back up to Denton and get a good night's sleep!

Dave looks amazing! He is not going to be kept down for long! His pain is tolerable, he IS on some pain medication but as of last night was determined that he wasn't going to take anything stronger-especially when he learned that it can impede the healing and recovery process! I will head back into Dallas once the morning rush hour traffic has let up. He is supposed to be discharged today and I know he will be glad to be back home.

One of my favorite songs by HILLSONG United has been running through my mind this morning. Offering praise and worship to the only One worthy of all we are!!

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

NORMAL LIFE

2011-06-13T07:21:00.014-05:00

Dave is one who makes every moment in life count! This man lives life intentionally! (Dave with his biggest Northern Pike ever, 19 lbs. 3 oz.June 2009, Stout Lake, Ontario, Canada!)

Last night 2 of my favorite people made it into town! Dave's youngest brother Perry and his wife Peggy (one of my besties!) took vacation time this week to come from St. Charles to Texas for Dave's surgery. Words can't express how much this means to Dave and I to have their support! Knowing that they will be with me while I am in the surgery waiting room, just fills me up with love and gratitude.

(Perry and Peggy, Old Faithful Inn, Yellowstone NP, Fall 2008)

Dave's best friend here in Texas, Randy will be waiting with us as well! Randy and his wife Lynette (my BFIT-Best friend in Texas) and their daughters go WAY back with our family! We have miles of memories of camp outs, playing cards, vacation, serving in Ministry, laughter, tears, prodigal children, a house fire, death of parents and you name it! Lynette surprised me at my Mom's visitation by coming ALL the way to St Charles to be there for me during my Mom's funeral!!!

Dave and I are blessed beyond measure! Between our children, family and friends we could take up the entire surgery waiting room area tomorrow! Unfortunately, we are limited to only 4!

My thoughts today are pretty calm for the most part. Dave is at work, wrapping up his loose ends since he'll be on short-term disability for awhile. He'll take an earlier quit, come home, eat a light meal and at 5 PM begin taking his "cleansers", if you know what I mean! I have the grocery shopping to do today, take my car in for an impromptu 4 wheel alignment (wasn't planning on that!) and the usual Monday errands...

Today marks our last day of what we used to call normal. That is NOT meant to be pessimistic one tiny bit, it's just that we are clueless of what tomorrow's surgery will bring!

If God does the miraculous, how on earth could you ever live a normal life again?

If God permits Dave to go through the surgery and there is no need for chemo and/or radiation, how on earth could you ever live a normal life again?

If Dave DOES have to have extended treatment, how on earth could you ever live a normal life again?

If our situation turns out to have a different ending then the one we desire, how on earth could you ever life a normal life again?

Already our "old normal" has changed. Dave has always been a thankful person, acknowledging God's endless blessings in our lives. Every day he chooses to make the most of each day, not squandering one second on negative thoughts! This kind of reality check certainly changes the way you view life!

For myself, God has drawn me closer to His side and has become my all sufficiency in a way that blows my mind every single day!

Already we have seen that a "new normal" has it's benefits!

I will rest in the Lord and allow Him to give me the strength and perseverance for wherever the road leads us...

DESIRES

2011-06-12T07:56:00.004-05:00

So, the day after tomorrow is the big day. We have to be at University of Texas Southwest Medical Center by 5;30 AM and if everything goes as planned, surgery will be at 7 AM. We were told this will probably be a 3 hour surgery but then this was BEFORE the MRI indicated that there was cancer outside the prostate. We won't know until they get in there and start removing the cancer around the prostate.
(Dave and our son Charlie, wearing his brand new Cowboy Boots for his 3rd birthday, October 1993)

I would love it if they started to do the surgery and found themselves saying,
"Where did it go?"

What a testimony to the healing power of God that would be! God is more than able and while this is what WE desire I am reminded of Psalm 37:4,
"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Too many times I believe that we as Christians use this Scripture to wrench something from God's hands; as if we were even able to do that! God certainly has responsibilities to us as His children but just as WE as earthly parents have responsibilities to our own children, the parent gets to choose what is best for their child.

I acknowledge that God sees the end result, the finished product and all I can see is the very small area that immediately affects me and my emotions. I know what I want but the key to this is what does God want?

That's where "the desires of my heart" comes in...

It's not meant to be a "wish list" that we present to God like He was some sort of Santa Claus waiting to hear want we want. I am slowly understanding that this journey we are on is so much more than the physical, temporal earthly life we move around in. We move around on such a shallow level, much like the earth's crust and God desires for us to be at the core! HE is the core!

When I am connected to God more intimately, HE places HIS desires in my heart and THOSE are the ones that I crave! You know it's another upside-down Kingdom Principle when your main focus transfers from yourself and what YOU want to one that asks,
"What does God want out of all of this and how does He want to use me to accomplish it?"

TREMENDOUS SUPPORT

2011-06-11T07:01:00.004-05:00

I count myself incredibly blessed that our family has such an amazing support group! From family, friends, church and even internet sisters and friends that I have never had the pleasure of meeting face to face (except for Connie-Marie and Cyndi) we have been encouraged. Every day I receive affirmations of love and prayers and every day it shores up my walls a little more!
(Dave at Iceberg Lake, Glacier NP, Summer 2010)

Last year when my Mom was first diagnosed with Colon Cancer I picked up a book by David Jeremiah titled,
"WHEN YOUR WORLD FALLS APART: SEEING PAST THE PAIN OF THE PRESENT".

I was organizing my side table, which sits right next to my favorite chair and I saw it sitting there! I had started reading it but something must have distracted me because I hadn't gotten very far. I picked it up yesterday afternoon and began reading it again, starting over.

After only reading 8 pages, something leaped off the page and shouted at me. I had read it last year but it hadn't impressed me at that time. I was in a difficult place last year but this speaks to the difficult place we find ourselves in THIS year! The author found himself suddenly and unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer much like we find ourselves right now!

"Our spirits basked in the prayers, support and encouragement of our church family and friends, we fed on their support and felt strengthened for the battle ahead. But in the midst of all the love and affirmation, it was the Lord, "a stronghold in the day of trouble" (Nah. 1:7), who knew the needs of my body and soul most deeply. It was He who walked with me through the valley of the shadow, He who lavished upon me a deeper, more personal experience of His presence than I'd ever known before. As I sought refuge in His word, I found consolation beyond description for my troubled spirit."

Wow! That speaks to where I am right now! The more I let go, the more I acknowledge my own weakness and lack of control in this situation, the closer God draws to me! The intimacy level in my walk with Christ has sky-rocketed and I can be thankful for good things even in the midst of very bad things! Only God can take our heartache and fear and use it to draw us closer to Him. It's a choice we get to make, what to do with that heartache and fear. Do we wrap ourselves up in it or do we shed all pretense of control and hand it over to the One, the only One who is higher than it all?

"When God permits His children to go through the furnace, He keeps His eye on the clock and His hand on the thermostat. His loving heart knows how much and how long."
Warren Wiersbe

OUT OF THE BLUE

2011-06-10T06:48:00.006-05:00

This has been a very good week since "putting down my net". I've been filled with incredible peace and calm which the world would not understand. It's not as if Dave's cancer has suddenly disappeared or I heard an audible voice from God making a proclamation, I wish....It's the peace of God that passes all understanding. I love how William Barclay puts this in his "Daily Study Bible Series":

"In Hebrew peace is never only a negative state; it never means only the absence of trouble; in Hebrew peace always means everything which makes for a man's highest good. In the east when one man says to another, Salaam—which is the same word—he does not mean that he wishes for the other man only the absence of evil things; he wishes for him the presence of all good things. In the Bible peace means not only freedom from all trouble; it means enjoyment of all good." (vol. 1, p. 108)

So I find myself in another one of those upside-down Kingdom Principles of knowing peace in the midst of uncertainty...
(Dave resting after our hike out of Sheepeater Canyon from the base of Osprey Falls in Yellowstone NP, Summer 2010.)

Yesterday I had a reminder however of the seriousness of our lives (as if I needed a reminder!) Dave has filled out his information packet, done all of his preliminary lab work, etc in preparation for his surgery this coming Tuesday. In this paperwork there is an explanation of "expectations", how many people are allowed in the surgery waiting room, recovery area, settling into your room, side effects and so forth. As is the case in prostate surgery, side effects can include impotence and incontinence. I will not address the former but the latter. He will have to wear protective padding once the catheter is removed, hopefully VERY short term! Needless to say we've been making the "DEPENDS" jokes to lighten the mood. He asked me to pick up a supply of what he will be needing.

I was picking up a prescription yesterday and asked the Pharmacist if they carried what I was looking for. He recommended a Medical Supply Store which was located in that same plaza. I went down there and stepped inside. The young man was very helpful and while he was in the back rooting around for my request, I was completely overwhelmed!

I was surrounded by medical equipment (duh!) but suddenly I was reliving my Mom's final days. I could see her lying in their hospital bed which was on display, the oxygen machine, the Colostomy bags-everything in their store, somehow connected with my Mom!! God was indeed merciful and gave me strength during that time but I was reminded of just how hard that time actually was! I began to cry...

Then "IT" happened! Satan tried whispering fear inside my head. My mind began to race and wonder if a year from now I'd be back in this place needing things for Dave. I felt myself breathing harder through my tears, fear strangling my heart once more.

Sometime you just have to tell satan, to "SHUT UP!"

I reminded God that I had "put down my net" and everything was entrusted to Him. Satan skulked away to his corner with his tail tucked between his legs, knowing that he was the loser of this round.

All of this transpired in less than 3 minutes! Earthly battles in war are NEVER settled this quickly! But then, who can remain standing when confronted by the same power that raised Christ from the dead?

"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." (Hebrews 4:16 NIV)

SURRENDERED

2011-06-08T06:54:00.006-05:00

There is nothing like suffering and trials to grab your attention! In the midst of this however the presence of God is SO intimate that I am able to find thanks in the middle of our situation. I can't imagine going through the events our family has gone through/is going through, without God's ever near presence! I have spent MORE time in prayer and in the Word, than I have in a long time. I find that my priorities have changed, not that I was focused on "bad" things before but now I find myself focusing on "better" things. I used to view life with permanent eyes and now I realize just how temporary everything is, not just our earthly years but even our trials!

"For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!"
(2 Corinthians 4:7 NIV)

Dave has been such a pillar of strength through this whole thing! No, he's not Superman, although I believe the kids lose sight of that fact. Their thinking is such that "If dad's not worried about this, we're all gonna be okay".

(One of my favorite pictures of Dave. Lake Girabaldi, British Columbia, 2005)

I told Dave that he has done his fathering well. He has provided strength and security for our children and that he has been an excellent example of a man who is entirely dependent on God. Dave recently told someone that his cancer has been harder on ME than it has been on him! Dave is a manly man without a doubt but he is a Godly man even more so. His trust in God is inspiring whereas with me, I tend to fly around the place, anxious and unsettled, rebuking satan right and left with Scripture! The picture of calm and chaos...

Dave's continual prayer has been, "Not my will but Your will". God knows, not only HOW He will be glorified but the BEST WAY He will be glorified in this situation. And to think: we GET to be apart of that!

Our Pastor gave an amazing message this past Sunday, one that has resonated deeply within me in the days since.

"As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” At once they left their nets and followed him. Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him."
(Matthew 4:18-22 NIV)

The Disciples were called by Jesus to put down their net and to follow Him.
AN INVITATION

They did just that and left all familiarity behind.
A CHOICE

They witnessed things and became something they could never have been on their own, by following Christ!
A BETTER LIFE

I was able to identify with the Disciples. Here they were, in all likelihood, living a good life. They had a livelihood, would probably raise a family and life was potentially good. Here I am, my needs provided for, Dave and I don't have a good marriage, it's safe to say we have a GREAT marriage, with all our hopes and dreams laid out before us...

When I think of ALL that the Disciples witnessed by leaving the familiar behind, it boggles the mind!

Water turned to wine!
Lepers healed!
Deaf, dumb and lame people healed!
People raised from the dead!!
Demons cast into swine.
Insights into the Father's heart!
Jesus calming the storms!
Jesus feeding the multitudes with nothing more than a couple of fish and loaves of bread!
Jesus walking on water!
Peter walking on water!!
Peter's anguish over His betrayal of Christ.
The despair of Christ's death and the inexpressible joy of His resurrection!
Peter's restoration through Christ's complete forgiveness!
The Holy Spirit descending upon them to go out in the name of Christ to reach the world and perform miracles in his name.
Chains falling off while imprisoned for preaching the Gospel.
Even giving up their lives for the One who makes our lives worthwhile!

I truly feel that Jesus has extended the invitation for me to put down my net and experience things with Him that I can't even imagine! Our marriage has been my net. I have been holding on to it so tightly because it has been threatened by Dave's cancer. Surrender and giving up the illusion of control is really scary. WHEREVER this journey takes us, HOWEVER it turns out, God has a journey for us that will blow our minds!

I have opened my hands and given it over to God.
He has given me the invitation and I have chosen to live a better life....

GEE WHIZ!

2011-06-03T07:28:00.009-05:00

This has been a difficult week for me. I have written about my Mom and her funeral, how the Lord has sustained me during that rough time and some of my innermost thoughts. The Lord has allowed me to have a LOT of self-reflection lately; some things that were revealed weren't pleasant but many things surprised me. One surprise is that I found another word I would use to describe the events of this past month: EXCITING.

How odd for me to say that right? It really is something extraordinary to live on the edge, totally dependent on God to orchestrate how your life is going to work out! At the time I wouldn't have called it exciting, I would have called it surrender! I knew that I was helpless in my own strength and abilities to make everything work out and so I had to place my complete trust in the hands of God to make sense of it all.

In coming off of this mountaintop high I hit Death Valley low this week. The reality of Dave's cancer hit me square on. On our last day with Pop our plan was to take him out to eat and spend time visiting with him. After returning from the restaurant Dave FINALLY got a call on his MRI, 2 weeks after it was done. He stepped outside and from the length of time he was on the phone, my gut told me it wasn't good news. Pop was in the kitchen making us hot chocolate and Dave very quickly gave me the run down when he came back inside. It was hard to focus on Pop for the next hour and a half when all I wanted was every single little detail. When it was time to leave and we got into our car I just broke down and wept! The enormity of all that had transpired just overwhelmed me! I cried my eyes out as we drove away and I saw Pop standing outside, holding TOMMY cat in his arms, waving goodbye to us....

The MRI results indicate that the cancer is not just contained to the prostate but it is outside of it as well. How much exactly won't be revealed until they get in and do the surgery. This means that they will be taking more than just the prostate and so the risk of "collateral damage" has greatly increased. I told Dave that we will deal with whatever consequences there are and we both agree that getting the cancer is THE most important thing! His surgery is scheduled for June 14th and if all goes as planned he should be home by the evening of the 15th.

I have been fighting satan's grip of fear that's he's been trying to strangle my heart with, by reciting these Scriptures:

Taking captive every thought when my mind begins racing ahead and worrying...
"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ"
2 Corinthians 10:5 (KJV)

God will keep me and preserve me no matter what happens, I can trust Him to keep me safe...
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)

Focus on the positives! As Believers in Christ we are living the abundant life NOW. We don't have to "hang on until heaven"...
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

I hate to admit that I have lost some of the battles this week but Jesus has already won the war! I looked ahead at Revelation and there IS a happy ending...

MOVING FORWARD

2011-06-02T07:04:00.007-05:00

I have been moving forward since my Mom's death. It hasn't always been easy but I know it's necessary. My emphasis now is on Dave's cancer and the fight we have ahead of us.
(Pop bought this hat for Mom when chemo started making her hair fall out, Pop wore it more than she did! I have to say, I have NEVER seen Dave with this much hair in the 26+ years I have known him!)

After Mom's funeral I took the next 2 days off and did nothing. I had roughly a week where I had planned to help Pop around the house and start going through Mom's things. Dave was beginning his Haz-Mat training on the 23rd and in the evenings we hooked up at the hotel in downtown's Union Station.

My first day of working at my folks, Pop told me he didn't want to work. He wanted to go out to eat and show Dave and I his latest play toy. Pop sold his 2 seater Yankee airplane back in March and got a MONI, an experimental aircraft. Pop is 81 years old but is incredibly active! He has been devoted to caring for my Mom this past year and hasn't been able to do much for himself.
(A fellow flying buddy took this picture of Pop flying into St. Louis-see the Gateway Arch?)
(Pop proudly shows off his new toy.)
(Dave had to practically fold up his long legs to get inside. Everything is adjusted to fit Pop who is definitely shorter!)

I spent the remainder of my time going through my Mom's belongings. I came across one shirt in particular that made me cry. I remember her wearing it back in November when I went with them to her Oncologist's appointment. This was her first doctor who told us at Thanksgiving that there was nothing more that he could do for her. Her 2nd Oncologist gave us about 6 more months with her. I set the shirt aside and continued on. I came back to it a couple of hours later and the Lord reminded me that now my Mom is wearing a robe of white. I smiled once again through my tears and placed it in the "donate bag"...

I thought I knew my Mom pretty well. The two of us have similar characteristics but we are also VERY different from one another. I found myself initially questioning why my Mom had done certain things. Specifically I came across clothes, shoes, jewelry, cosmetics, gift items, etc that had never been removed from their bags, price tags still on them. I'll admit I was very frustrated and vowed that I "would never do this to my children." Mom had piled so much stuff into her bedroom that it was almost impossible to enter inside! Pop and I had made a path just to clear off the bed so I could sleep in there. I had begun organizing stuff for my Mom before she had passed away; it gave me something to do while we were waiting.

After the first day or two I slowly began realizing just how deeply my Mom had been emotionally wounded by events in her life. She had grown up through deprivations caused by Word War 2 where her family had lost EVERYTHING! She had known what it was like to be a refugee, living away from her familiar surroundings and never knowing if there was going to be food on the table that night. When my Mom and my father divorced when I was just 6 years old she began life again with next to nothing to her name. Essentially she was a refugee all over again. In 1993 she and Pop lost ALMOST everything in the great floods that ravaged the heartland. The Lord filled me with compassion for my Mom as all of this began to sink in. I had always thought my Mom was emotionally fragile and high strung, something that I could not relate to. As I look back, I was somewhat harsh in my estimations of her-who knows how well I would have processed that magnitude of loss!?

It all started making sense to me. If something was pretty, caught her eye or made her smile, she got it. BECAUSE SHE COULD! There was no one or no reason, to say she couldn't! The best part of this revelation is that Pop understood that! He got her! He knew she was emotionally wounded and he loved her right where she was!

I brought home a lot of Mom's things but there is still more waiting for me at their house when we go back up again. I got a LOT of work done and I was initially disappointed that some of the goals that I had set, didn't get accomplished. I thought it was all about rolling up my sleeves and working around the house to help out Pop. It became clear to me almost immediately that there was more that Pop needed, than for me to organize and sort. One day I got to their house while he was out doing errands. I worked for close to 2 hours and when he returned to the house he wanted to go to lunch and visit the cemetery and that's exactly what we did! It dawned on me that he and my Mom hadn't been apart from each other for more than a couple of days in MANY years and he was missing her.
(Mom and Pop just 1 year ago at Pop's surprise 80th Birthday Party. 2 weeks later we found out my Mom had Stage 4 Colon Cancer...)

I have been blessed. I got to witness a loving relationship between my Mom and Pop. I have seen his selfless devotion to her. I have seen the way her eyes focused on him during a conversation, hanging on his every word. I have seen commitment, duty, honor and loyalty played out in front of me every day. What better gift can a parent give to a child...

AUF WIEDERSEHN MUTTI

2011-06-01T06:43:00.022-05:00

My Mom was born May 6, 1938 and died May 16, 2011.

When I first arrived at their house God had given me a wonderful idea. Pop had told me how a couple of nights earlier, my Mom had been calling for him but because he was so exhausted, he slept on and didn't hear her. Their cat TOMMY, hearing my Mom in need came in and jumped on Pop until he woke up and heard her. I went right out and purchased a baby monitor! This would allow Pop to hear her at night but also if he/we were outside or if he was down in the basement on the computer. It was impossible to sit in the living room where Mom's hospital bed was 24 hours a day and this helped to relieve the anxiety about my Mom.

On the night of May 15th, Pop and I had gone to bed when he heard Mom on the monitor around midnight and so he went to her. She wasn't speaking any words just making sounds. He went back to bed but the same thing happened at 1AM where once again he went to her. At 3 she awakened him by actually calling his name. He went to her, talked to her and after 15 minutes was going to lie back down in bed like the other times when something told him not to. Pop was with my Mom when she drew her last breath at 3:32 in the early morning hours on the 16th.

Some memories are carved deep within one's mind and one of mine will always be when Pop came in and woke me up to tell me my beautiful, loving and gentle mother was gone. I was deeply saddened when I went in and saw her but I was also detached at the same time. Mom had been slipping away from us and was barely there in the 48 hours before she went home to be with the Lord. I looked at her small, weak shell that remained and through my tears I rejoiced for her! I knew in that moment that Mom had been instantly transformed when she saw our Lord and Savior face to face! Anytime that I have found myself wallowing in sadness and tears I remember how she was before she died and how she is now. I know that there is NOTHING here on this earth that could satisfy my Mom now that she has experienced the communion and fellowship with our Heavenly Father the way it was intended from the beginning of creation!

Pop called Hospice and a Nurse came out and pronounced my mom at 4:45 AM. She made the necessary phone calls and cleaned my Mom's face. Pop had made preliminary funeral arrangements the day after I had arrived and the funeral home picked up my Mom by 7AM. I waited outside on the front porch because I didn't want to see them handle my Mom's body, Pop stayed inside. As I stood out there, the skies which had been raining the day before were brilliant blue, the birds were chirping, the breeze was blowing and the sunrise was magnificent! What a beautiful day for my mom to meet the "Maker of Creation!" Once again I smiled...

Dave, Jessica, Laura, Charlie and our grand-daughter Jelly Bean left Texas late Tuesday afternoon and arrived in St Louis around 3 AM on Wednesday the 18th. Later that day we were having the Visitation and the funeral was scheduled for the 19th. (The 18th was Pop's Birthday and Mom had actually passed away on Laura's Birthday which was the 16th.)

(Dave and I with Pop along with our 4 children. Left to right-Jennifer who lives in St. Louis, Jessica, Laura and Charlie.)

(Honoring my Mother.)

Our family had an hour before the public viewing began and it was emotional to say the least. I went up with Pop to steady him while he put my Mom's wedding ring on her and her favorite watch and bracelet. He had already decided to place all of her Birthday and Mother's Day cards in with her since she had not been able to read them. Last summer when Mom was diagnosed I drove straight through and stopped in the Hospital gift shop where I bought a stuffed cat that looked like TOMMY. Pop put that in with her and I attached my "My Mom Is My Hero" cancer button to it that I wear. (The next day, the morning of her funeral I placed my Colon Cancer bracelet that I always wore, in with her as well.)

My last images of my mom while she was still "alive" (if you can even call it that) were extremely painful. We kept saying over and over how beautiful she looked because of the amazing job the funeral home had done. Granted, my Mom barely weighed 100 pounds anymore and considering she was "robust" like I am, people who hadn't seen her were probably shocked at how different she looked. I will always be grateful that I can visualize her the way she looked the day of her funeral.

(Mom wearing a blue sweater with the Edelweiss flowers delicately stitched on it. Pop put her sunglasses in with her too, she never went any where without them!)

There were SO many people that came to Mom's Visitation and I was touched by all of the flowers, plants and Memorials- my Mom was deeply loved by many people!

The day of the funeral there were many tears. Pop had their Lutheran Pastor do parts of the service in German.

(Pop with Pastor Karstens.)

I got choked up listening to him recite the 23rd Psalm.

Ein Psalm Davids

1 Der HERR ist mein Hirte, mir wird nichts mangeln.
2 Er weidet mich auf einer grünen Aue und führet mich zum frischen Wasser.
3 Er erquicket meine Seele. Er führet mich auf rechter Straße um seines Namens willen.
4 Und ob ich schon wanderte im finstern Tal, fürchte ich kein Unglück;
denn du bist bei mir, dein Stecken und Stab trösten mich.
5 Du bereitest vor mir einen Tisch im Angesicht meiner Feinde. Du salbest mein Haupt mit Öl und schenkest mir voll ein.
6 Gutes und Barmherzigkeit werden mir folgen mein Leben lang, und ich werde bleiben
im Hause des HERRN immerdar.

During the hymn "Amazing Grace", Pop whispered over to me about Mom's pain and suffering being over and I responded,
"Thank God for our blessed hope..."
Once again I found myself smiling through my tears as I thought of her worshiping the Lord God Almighty!

After the service we proceeded to Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery (Pop is a Veteran) for her interment. Our son Charlie and son-in-law Corey were 2 of the Pallbearers. Although it was raining, we had the short service under a covered pavilion. After the Pastor was done, Pop stood up and said,
"Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty I am free at last!"

(Left to right-My cousins Ed and Jeff, my Nephews Neal and Jeffrey, Corey and Charlie.)

Pop then invited everyone to join us at my Mom's favorite restaurant for a meal to honor her. Laura and I went forward to take a few flowers from the arrangements and when I turned around everyone had left. I was the last one to leave. I touched my Mom's casket and said,
"Ich Liebe Dich Mutti"
and turned away...

NOT WHAT I HAD EXPECTED

2011-05-31T06:52:00.007-05:00

It's been almost 4 weeks since I've blogged but that doesn't mean I haven't been writing. I have filled one journal and am working my way through another.

If I were to summarize the details of this month, a few words come to mind:
EXCRUCIATING
SACRED
PAINFUL
BLESSED
STRETCHED

I planned a simple, quick visit to St Louis for my Mom's birthday on May 6th through Mother's Day on May 8th, returning to Texas the day after. I packed enough clothes for 2 days and hit the road early. 691 miles later I arrived at my folks and found the Hospice Nurse there. I had met her in April when their care for my mom had first began. I was stunned when she told me that my Mom had days left...

This was on a Friday when I arrived and the Nurse wasn't sure that Mom would make it until Monday. Monday was supposed to be my travel day back to Texas so I called Dave and told him that my return was on hold. My emotions were in a jumble. I had envisioned the outcome for this scenario; I would visit my mom this last time, return home and in a couple of weeks I would receive a phone call from Pop telling me my Mom had died peacefully in her sleep, our family would travel up together for her funeral and I would stay afterwards for a while to help Pop.I would like to go on record and say that I have learned a valuable lesson:

ALWAYS LEAVE YOUR OPTIONS OPEN, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT WONDERFUL THINGS GOD HAS PLANNED FOR YOU!

I made the decision to trust God's perfect timing in this situation. Part of me WANTED to be there for my Mom's passing but the other part of me wanted nothing more than to CUT and RUN!! Every day I had to gird my loins against satan and his schemes and not allow myself to worry and panic. Our son Charlie had his last week of college with finals coming up on May 10th and 12th. Dave was scheduled for his MRI on the 12th as well and I even told him that I could survive my Mom's funeral without him if need be, this test was CRUCIAL for us concerning his cancer!

The days passed so slowly watching my Mom slip further away from us. She was in terrible pain but the doctor had prescribed a pain patch which delivered constant medication for 3 days at a time. The Hospice Nurse didn't think that Mom would need more than 1 patch, she ended up having 4!! I was amazed that she was still hanging in there but I'll admit that it was emotionally draining as well. Every day I awoke and asked God to give me the strength to do or to be what was needed for that day. I prayed for grace, mercy, peace, compassion and patience and God delivered every single day. At night before I went to bed I prayed with the knowledge that Pop might come in and tell me my Mom was in crisis or was gone. Every day I got up and did it all over again! There were days that I didn't think I could go on but God gave me the strength to do just that!

“He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God who has called you into fellowship with His son Jesus Christ our Lord is faithful”
1 Cor. 1:8-9

At the time, the days seemed to pass by at a snail's pace. In looking back, the 10 days that I had with my Mom flew! Her deterioration seemed so minute and yet in 10 days my Mom went from communicating with us to being in a coma, unresponsive...As time went by and I trusted in God's perfect timing, it became evident...Dave did not have to choose between his MRI and being there for me!

Satan realized that he was not going to uproot me from trusting in God's perfect timing so he tried another tact, creating long distance strife between Dave and I. Originally Dave had been scheduled for Haz-Mat training in Baton Rouge beginning May 16th. As the time approached and I was waiting for my Mom to die I asked him to reschedule 2 service calls I had scheduled for May 16th and 17th. I was stunned when he said that he couldn't because he would be at training! I actually said,
"You mean to tell me that if my mom dies you're going to be at training rather than her funeral?"

Since he is a guy and they tend to think one dimensionally he said something to the effect of: the Railroad had already paid for it, the next time he could go was when he had his staff meeting planned for his team and so on...I think I stopped listening early on. Immediately the Holy Spirit checked me. I recognized it was satan trying to wreak chaos within me and I dropped it completely! The next day Dave told me that he had checked about the training and he COULD reschedule it after all. The best part, it was in St Louis and it began May 23rd! God answered in a way BIGGER than I could have ever hoped or imagined! Just trust...

In the 10 days that I spent with my folks God blessed me tremendously. While Mom was still responsive she called out to my dad and to me and told us she loved us. She told us goodbye as well. She never wavered in calling out to Jesus, just repeating His precious name over and over...

I was given the blessing of reading the Word over her, praying over her and singing hymns over her. I told her I loved her and she opened her eyes briefly for a moment, that was the last time she "saw" me...

I felt the intimate presence of Christ in that room with us. Until the day I draw my last breath I will swear I could hear the rustle of angels wings. It was a holy moment...

At the end, she began calling out for her Mother in German. Hearing her call out, "Mutti" was difficult for Pop and I but we knew she was on the bridge of crossing over to be with our Lord and Savior. We answered her in German telling her that her mother wasn't there, that she was with Jesus. I repeatedly told her that she was free to go...

The last 36 hours were difficult as she physically deteriorated, too painful to even put into words....

The night of May 15th I wrote in my journal:
"Every day I wake up and ask for strength for what the day might bring. Every night I go to bed with the expectation that Dad will awaken me to tell me my mom has gone. Tonight I am just going to bed"....

At 3:40 AM Pop came into my room and told me that my Mom had just died........

PERSPECTIVE

2011-05-05T06:28:00.003-05:00

Head knowledge is a good thing, heart knowledge is a better thing. Since the day, 30 years ago, that I went forward and handed Jesus the keys to my life and said, "You drive..." I have known certain fundamental truths:

God is love and He demonstrated that great love for us by allowing Jesus to carry our sins to the cross and sacrifice Himself so we can be restored into fellowship with God.

God provides strength through the trials and sufferings of life through His Holy Spirit.

People are flawed and yet God uses those who are deficient to minister and to serve. We are His hands and His feet.

He is indeed the Resurrection and the Life. If we have placed our trust in Christ when we pass from this world, our future is secure.

There are some things in life that you "know" but those things don't necessarily resonate within you yet because you have no reference point. I am 50 years old and while I have lost many people in my life, even my grandmothers, I am still a step removed from death. For the first time I am staring death head on, no longer on the sidelines. I know that unless God intervenes, my Mom will die. She is getting weaker and she has told Pop that, she can't do this anymore.

I hate the fact that cancer has made my precious Mother suffer since last June. I hate that slowly my Mom's dignity has been whittled away. I hate that Pop is nearing exhaustion caring for her. I hate that with her birthday tomorrow and Mother's Day on Sunday, I will never have another card to buy for her. Lots of things I hate that cancer has forever changed.

Strangely though, I am at peace.

My heart aches at the thought of separation from her even though I know that time has no meaning when we are with God. When I look at how frail and vulnerable she has become it breaks my heart. Deeply intertwined with that image though is a completely opposite image. I have heard for a long time how we are transformed when we are in His presence. That is now a truth that has taken root within my heart. God's peace has SO completely taken over my heart that I can rejoice at the thought of her being healed even if that means she has passed from this life (and isn't her healing what I have been praying for these past 11 months?) Because God has given me His peace I am able to trust Him more. Because I trust Him more I am able to receive even more peace from Him, an unending circle of peace.

A seeming paradox that suddenly makes sense to me now...

MARRIAGE MONDAY

2011-05-01T17:19:00.004-05:00

Marriage Monday is an open forum where we as Christian wives, encourage one another, our group topic this time is “faith.” How does your Christian faith express itself between you and your spouse? Do you pray together? Or discuss theology? Do you lead or attend a couples Bible study? Perhaps you’re spiritually unequal, yet you're thriving nonetheless. Feel free to share any aspect of your spiritual journey with us, dear sister.

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There couldn't be a topic more near and dear to my heart right now! Faith has been crucial, one of the cornerstones in our married lives. I have the Spiritual Gift of Faith which is a good thing but it can also be a prideful thing. I have always believed that God is in control and that if He promises to take care of us, why do we question? I was even smug at times, looking down on others who struggled. All of that changed when I was diagnosed 7 years ago with a chronic auto-immune disease called ITP. In essence, my immune system misidentifies my blood platelets (which are necessary for clotting the blood) as a foreign antibody and destroys them. I was poked, infused, bruised, transfused, took chemo drugs and as a last resort I had my spleen removed 6 years ago. In many patients, removing the spleen where the blood is filtered, removes the issue of platelet destruction. In my case it wasn't so and I hit rock bottom. It was very humbling to realize I had been arrogant in regards to faith and in desperate need of compassion towards others who struggle in that area. For the record, I removed myself off the steroids and the horrible symptoms that wreaked havoc on my body. Six months ago I began seeing a Homeopathic Doctor who is treating me with herbs and supplements and I am holding my own.

Fast forward to June 17, 2010 when we learned my Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. She has fought the good fight, tried numerous different types of chemo drugs to no avail and we were told by her doctor that she has *2 more months left to live. We began hospice April 18, 2011. I am at peace with letting my mother go. I have faith that assures me that we will be together in heaven and as soon as she enters into the presence of our Lord and Savior she will be restored, whole and healthy. Her pain and suffering will be gone and I rejoice in that fact! I am actually excited for her even though my heart will ache during our separation.

While I was in St Louis visiting my folks, the day we began Hospice (April 18, 2011) we learned that my beloved, Dave has Prostate Cancer. You can read that entry here if you like.

This has been a wild ride to say the least. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever see myself in these shoes: preparing to say goodbye to my Mother and at the same time preparing for battle with my husband. Today in church we went forward for Communion; I held his hand, clinging to him, my heart crying out to God on our behalf. After we returned to our seats, we continued to hold hands and sang. Through my tears I saw his right hand and my left hand raised in praise and worship to God. I told God that I never want to lose this!!

I overheard Dave tell a friend of ours that his cancer has been harder on me than it has been on him! He is one of the most positive, upbeat people you will ever meet! We have had some deep and meaningful discussions in the last 2 weeks, as you can well imagine. We have an intimate relationship already but this has bound us even closer together. We have even made jokes about him having cancer as unusual as some might think that sounds. That's our relationship though, we don't try to take things too seriously because it can be depressing!

I shared with him how a couple of days ago I was really angry. I finally had to take a step back and analyze why I was feeling that way. Slowly I realized that it was because there are so many horrible people in the world and Dave is one of the good guys! He is so loving and generous, Godly, has character and integrity and so on....It is so unfair!

While I was talking this out with God He reminded me that He will use this for His glory. I told Him, "I know that! I just want to be mad right now!"

I felt Him answer in my Spirit,
"OKAY go ahead and be mad but how's that working for you?"

Slowly I began to calm. I know that God will use this to bring glory to Himself and when I shared all of that with Dave we had another long chat, after he stopped laughing!! He is so upbeat and positive and it seems like I am constantly rebuking satan and the fear that he tries to grip my heart with. My faith has been my shield and the word of God has been my sword in battle!

Dave reminds me all the time with this saying,
"My faith is not dependent on how long I live on this earth."

(In sickness and in health until death do us part, 25 years ago!)

How can I possibly resist a man like that?

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON?

2011-04-28T17:14:00.001-05:00

I feel like a frog caught up in a blender...

I praise God and the blood of our Savior for holding me and sustaining during this excruciating time. 2 weeks ago yesterday Pop told me that my Mom's cancer has spread, chemo was being discontinued and that Hospice was being contacted for my Mom. What a rough day. I was preparing to leave for the Beth Moore Living Proof event in Little Rock the very next day and immediately felt like I needed to come home to St Louis once it was done. I came home to St Louis on the 17th. I visited with my folks on Monday and did some errands and chores for them.

What I never expected to happen, happened. On April 11th I had accompanied Dave to the Urologist when he had an ultrasound and a biopsy performed on his prostate. He is very good about faithfully having a physical every December and our Primary Care Physician referred him to a Urologist b/c he had a rough spot on the prostate and a change in his PSA levels. Dave told me he felt like it was a waste of time and money and that they weren't going to find anything. We never gave it a second thought and I even said,
"SURELY God would not allow this to be an issue in the light of my Mom's Colon Cancer".

On Monday evening after leaving my folks house and heading back to our daughter and her family's home, I called Dave to see about the results. When he told me to pull the car over I felt all the air get sucked from my lungs...

He told me that he has Prostate Cancer, it is in the early stages but VERY aggressive. He explained treatment options and unless God directs otherwise, he will have surgery to remove the prostate. I have no idea how long I sat on the side of the road with my flashers on but it was at least 20-30 minutes. When we hung up the phone I began screaming until my voice was gone! I called my best friend Brenda (we had been at Beth Moore together) and was hysterical. She thought it was in reference to my mom and I kept screaming,
"IT'S NOT MY MOM, IT'S DAVE!!!!!"
I do not remember the drive to her house only that I was hyperventilating and that I collapsed in her arms. We prayed and I received a measure of calmness. I went to our daughter Jennifer's home, broke the news and the 3 of us prayed together. More calm...

I did not go to my folks the next day. I shared with Pop and told him that I would not be any good to them whatsoever. I had no business getting behind the wheel of a car. I rebuked satan and fear so many times I lost count!

Last Wednesday Dave had a bone scan to make sure the cancer hadn't spread and is contained in the Prostate. Fear gripped my heart SO bad that I couldn't breathe again. I was running errands for Pop (prescriptions, groceries etc) and the darkness and oppression was so incredibly heavy on me, I felt like satan was standing on my shoulders crushing me into the ground. I began reminding myself through scripture how everything and I mean EVERY THING has to bow at the name of Jesus. Where His light is, darkness can NOT prevail, it HAS TO vanish. I began crying out to God, pleading the blood of Christ that covers us and makes us righteous in His sight. Then I began praising Christ Jesus and God the Father and I mean INSTANTLY the oppression lifted! It was a PHYSICAL reaction to a spiritual war!!!! All the way to my folks' house, I listened to and sang, "My Heart Will Trust In You" by Hillsong at least 7 or 8 times in a row. Throughout the day when I felt my mind begin to drift, God reined me back in.

When I arrived at my folks' home I encouraged Pop to get out and do whatever he wanted or needed to do. I told him he was only a phone call away and that Mom would be in good hands. He got out for a while which he needed. It allowed me to have a good visit with my Mom. I shared with her my struggles of the morning but that God had gently reminded me that "We were never created to carry our burdens alone but to entrust them to the One who can carry them". I told her that no matter of sickness, death or disease can ever pluck us from His hand. We had a lovely visit. Hospice came out and because Pop wasn't there, she answered the nurse's questions directly. I believe she felt a bit more empowered by that. They have not given up yet but I know in my heart that the end is drawing closer for my Mom unless God intervenes.

At the Beth Moore conference that weekend I was completely and utterly broken, poured out and spent. Naturally I thought at the time it was in relation to my Mom. I didn't have a clue that Dave would be diagnosed with cancer! I believe now as I look back, God wanted me to empty myself so completely so HE could fill me UP so completely! I am totally at peace over my Mom. If God would take her home in this instant while I wouldn't like it, I am completely at peace with it. To see her in pain, weak and so vulnerable breaks my heart but the thought that she would be healed and restored in His presence makes me overjoyed! Yes OVERJOYED!! During my visit with her on Thursday and it was just the 2 of us she told me, "I don't have any intention of dying..." I acknowledged that but I also told her that if she felt like she couldn't fight any longer that I would be okay, in essence I released her should she reach her limit.

During this trying time Dave wanted me to stay and spend time with my folks. It was very difficult to say the least. It was everything I could do to NOT get into my car that Monday night he broke the news to me and drive 11 hours straight through back home. I needed to see him, touch him, hold him next to me...

I do not know if this was my last opportunity to spend time with my Mom, only God knows what lies ahead. yet will I trust in Him.....

On Friday I left St Louis at 4:30 in the morning to get home. While on the road, Dave called me with his bone scan results-CLEAN!!! Thank you Jesus!! We had a consultation yesterday with the surgeon at University of Texas Southwest Medical Center and we hope to get his surgery scheduled ASAP! Before they do the surgery though he has to have an "in depth" MRI so the surgeon can see the nerve endings and such before he goes in and removes the prostate. The more information he has, we're hoping that it will decrease the chances of bad side effects (incontinence, impotence etc).

This is the last thing we expected and I learned a valuable lesson. Never utter "SURELY GOD..." It's arrogant to presume the sovereignty and omniscience of God!

My wonderful man has encouraged my heart with these words,
"My faith is not dependent on how long I get to live on this earth".
I am planning on him being around for a lot more years!

(Dave and I are going to kick cancer's butt!)

I have BEGGED people to be praying for Dave and it occurred to met that some people might think that begging is degrading and humiliating. Any one of us would beg, crawl and humiliate ourselves for someone we love. And then God reminded me that is EXACTLY what Jesus did! He begged God to remove the cup of suffering and accepted the Father's will, He crawled at times while carrying the cross to Calvary's hill and He allowed Himself to be humiliated on that same cross for those HE loved!! God never ceases to amaze me!

WHERE ON EARTH DO I BEGIN? PART ONE

2011-04-26T19:58:00.007-05:00

How could it only be a couple of weeks since I last wrote on my blog? I have weathered many a storm in that short of time. When last I wrote I was getting ready to go to Little Rock, Arkansas for the annual Beth Moore Living Proof Bible Conference with my best friend Brenda from St Louis. That same day Pop called me and told me that the doctors have done all that they can do for my Mom. The cancer had spread, chemo is ineffective and they would be releasing her and starting Hospice. My knees buckled temporarily and I decided that after I finished in Little Rock, I would head home to St Louis to spend time with my folks. I had no plans for how long I was going to be gone, it was sort of open-ended...

Brenda and I in Little Rock at the Beth Moore event.

Good food and wholesome fun in Little Rock!

Coming back to St Louis, I first stopped in Malden, MO at my Grandma Arra's grave and then 6 miles down the road, my 2nd stop was in Risco- the house where my great Granny Lizzie and Great Grandpa Homer (Grandma Arra's mom and dad)used to live. A neighbor saw us and she remembered them. She told us that the house is being torn down this summer so my timing was perfect. I took the old tin house numbers from off the door to save as a keepsake.

Part 2 tomorrow....

IN LOVING MEMORY

2011-04-13T07:32:00.004-05:00

Today, someone very near and dear to my heart was born. My paternal Grandmother Arra Argusta McCollum was born April 13, 1914 in Alabama.
(Arra Argusta McCollum 5 months old.)

She was named after both of her parents, Argus Homer and Arra Elizabeth (Lizzie). Grandma was the 3rd child and 2nd daughter for their family. Grandpa Homer was a farmer and worked the coal mines to provide for the family. He was also a circuit preacher for the Missionary Baptist denomination. Eventually, the McCollum family settled in Missouri's "Bootheel".

(Grandma Arra on her 4th Birthday, 1918.)

(Grandma Arra with her daughter Joyce, 1934. Joyce passed away at the age of 10 weeks)

(Joyce's grave, Malden, MO.)

(Grandma Arra and my Uncle Carl, 1936. I think Grandma resembles Amelia Earhart here!)

(Arra and J. C. McConnell, 1938.)

Although my father's legal name is McConnell, J.C. was not his biological father. He married my grandmother before he was born, giving him his name. (J.C. McConnell holds my father along with Grandma Arra and Uncle Carl, 1938. They would eventually divorce.)

(Grandma with her boys, *1943. She was one hard working single Mom!)

(Grandma and I, 1962.)

When I was 6 years old, my world crashed in on me as my parents got a divorce. I was the only child my Mother had and I lived with her. We moved into the inner city of St Louis a block away from grandma after she had found a job to support us. Even though my Mom was her EX daughter-in-law, my grandmother loved her DEEPLY. My Grandma was always there, for the BOTH of us. I remember Grandma buying us clothes at rummage sales, watching me before and after school and during the summers. She was one of the stabilizing points in my young life!

(Grandma & I at Forest park in St. Louis, 1968.)

(Grandma Arra & Grandpa Bud, 1974. There is a peace now in their relationship that wasn't there in the earlier years!)

He got his driver's license and purchased a car, a little, yellow Chevy Chevette. By this time, Grandma was no longer baby sitting me and the 2 of them could be seen, tooling around and making trips to Southeast Missouri to visit my great-grandma Lizzie. (Grandma Arra & Grandpa Bud, Southeast Missouri, 1976.)

(Grandpa and I age 16, September 1976.)

After Grandpa Bud passed away in 1976 Grandma seemed to grow in strength and grace in my eyes. She had always been a hard worker but she had bought a rental house a couple of years earlier and moved into the downstairs unit after selling the house she owned with Grandpa Bud.

By 1984, I was bruised and broken and had turned my life over to the Lord to guide and control. My grandmother's (and many others) prayers for my salvation were answered! I would drive down into St Louis from St. Charles and take her to various doctor's appointments or grocery shopping since she didn't drive. I always loved being able to do for her because she was such an important part of my life. I learned so many things from her but one thing I learned in particular was generosity! Not only would she give you the shirt off of her back and all the money in her bank account, she gave of her time and her heart!

After giving the Lord the keys to my life, letting Him drive and beginning to grow in Him the Lord brought Dave into my life in 1985. Even though there have still been challenges and valleys, my life has been better than I have ever dared to hope or imagine! Right after Dave and I married, we moved away because of his job. Grandma and I wrote each other constantly and I was always sending her pictures of the children. Every time I was back in St Louis, I found myself drawn to spend time with her. Once again, she would tell me the stories of our family and once again I would find myself pouring through the family photo albums! There was another thing I found since I was living away from home; every time I saw her I was reminded that she was growing older. In 1988, we were living in Lincoln, Nebraska and we asked Grandma if she would like to watch Laura for a week while were on vacation. We were taking Jennifer and Jessica and would be camping and fishing out in a wilderness area. She was SO incredibly thrilled that we had asked her to do this for us! At the time, she was 74 years old and was living in a mobile home on the same property as my father. We knew she wasn't alone and that there was always someone near in case she felt like she needed some help. It was during this time that she developed a special bond with Laura. Growing up Grandma and I had a special bond and now she shared that same bond with one of my own children. After Grandma passed away I found pictures of Laura that I had given her, On the back were written the words, "my little beauty" in her own handwriting.

(Grandma and Laura, "her little beauty", 1991.)

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My Grandma with her "boys". Carl is on the left, and my father James is on the right.

(One of the last pictures of Grandma and I, taken at Jennifer's Wedding June 1998.)

In 2000, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. A couple of weeks before she passed away, I made a trip to be with her while she was in the hospital. I got to say goodbye to her in my own way and my visit let her know how deeply she was loved by me. She died the day we left for vacation and I cried all the way to Kansas City. A couple of nights later I had the most vivid dream of her. In it she was smiling and was about the age she would have been when I was born. I believe it was God's way of letting me know that after her long and hard life, she was happy and home, in the arms of her Savior. She handed down to me all of the family photos and the family's history. It is her that my book is dedicated to and I am forever grateful to God, for having given her to me as my grandmother. I know that when it's my time to go be with the Lord, she will be one of the many people waiting to welcome me in!

SIGH

2011-04-12T07:04:00.004-05:00

I haven't been around here lately, lots on my mind...

My Mom is back in the hospital and we should get test results back today. She was in so much pain last Friday that Pop took her to the ER and she was admitted. Pop said it was so bad she was begging God to take her. Instantly my mind flashes back to February, the last time I saw her and how bad she was. The current combination of pain meds were working until recently but now they have her on stuff that is stronger than Morphine just so she can tolerate the pain. Pop said that the night before he took her to the ER she had taken A LOT of the Oxycontin pain pills while he was in bed. When he asked her if she knew how many she had taken, she had no idea. Pop told me had enough to take her through Monday and that now there were only 7 left!

She was originally supposed to have had CAT scans done before her scheduled chemo yesterday. No chemo obviously but they did the scans yesterday. Hoping to hear something good today. Pop is optimistic and I say nothing to the contrary. My heart is telling me to prepare for the worst. As much as I hate the thought of letting her go, I hate the thought of the agony she is in, even more. Is this the beginning of the end? I honestly don't know.

There is some other stuff going on but I don't want to get into that on here, right now. Maybe for another time. If you read this blog just keep our family lifted in prayer, I'm going through a tough time right now....

MY BLOGGY SPRING BREAK HAS ENDED

2011-03-28T06:20:00.008-05:00

PART ONE

I have been MIA here for a couple of weeks but I have returned. Our 7 year old grand-daughter, "Kit-Kat" from Missouri spent her Spring Break with us. On the 18th, one of my best friends Lynette and I, drove to Big Cabin, Oklahoma to meet Jennifer and pick our grand-daughter so she could have a Texas style Spring Break. (Thanks Lynette!)

We started off with a bang the very next day by going out to watch our 8 1/2 year old grand-daughter "Jelly Bean" play her soccer game.

After watching the game our almost 11 year old grand-daughter "Gum Drop" joined, along with our daughter Laura Lou and we drove down to Dinosaur Valley State Park in Glen Rose, Texas. The kids had a blast playing the day away, walking around, seeing the dinosaur tracks and playing in the Paluxy River.

The cousins had a sleepover at our house and after church the next morning, we went to the Galleria Mall to the American Girls Store.
(Blueberry Pancakes, Bacon and Hot Chocolate before church.)

On Monday, just "Kit-Kat" and I (Jelly Bean and Gum Drop's Spring Break her in Texas was the week prior) went to the Dallas Aquarium for the day. It's a wonderful display of Aquatics but they also have a few zoo animals as well. We got to witness one of the workers in scuba gear get in the Tropical fish tank, feed the fish and then clean the glass. The "Shark Tube" is especially cool because the tank is overhead and on both sides and you are in the middle watching the sharks and stingrays swim around. It's a wonderful place!

TO BE CONTINUED...

LOVING KINDNESS

2011-03-14T10:39:00.006-05:00

Yesterday I learned that Loving Kindness comes in all shapes and forms and sometimes in the least expected places. Every other Sunday Dave and I are part of the Welcome Team at our church, greeting people as they enter into the Sanctuary. Before the service starts we have a short meeting updating us on the order of service and a time of prayer. Everyone has been praying for my Mom and naturally I was asked how she was doing. I gave out the latest update about how no new cancer cells have been found but she is still being treated with 2 kinds of chemo, one for the Colon cancer and the other for the spots found on her liver. I told her that we just take it day to day and trust that God is still in control.

Dave and I weren't very busy initially due to lower attendance (Spring Break and time change I'm sure). While standing on my side of the door, "K" approached me to talk. Dave and I know "K" from Bowling League. She is a young woman that bowls with her dad and is developmentally slow and sometimes lacking in the social graces. I will admit that there have been times that I have avoided "K" because I know it will be a one-sided conversation that becomes rather lengthy; other times I try and steer the conversation in another direction, often times with no luck.

"K" came to me and completely caught me by surprise when she told me that she'd be praying for my Mom and for me. She said that it must be very hard for me because she knew how hard it was when her Uncle had cancer. In true "K" fashion she went on to tell me at great lengths about her family situation. She then mentioned the hated "H" word: HOSPICE. Most people unless they are total clods are more delicate when in the midst of a sensitive and emotional situation. "K" however speaks what is on her mind. She went on to tell me how great hospice was for her Uncle and her grandmother and if I would like the phone numbers of those people that she would gladly give them to me. My lip quivered, not because she brought up the word hospice and how we don't mention it but at her small and simple act of loving kindness. I didn't tell her that my Mother lives 691 miles away and that if that time comes, she would be under someone else's care. All I could think of was how this young woman was reaching out to me with no thought to her limitations, in order to give me comfort. I hugged her neck and thanked her for her prayers and support. I could hardly keep from crying as people finally started coming in through the Sanctuary doors.

After service ended Dave and I were once again at the doors telling folks good bye, answering questions, directing people and so forth. We stuck around longer than normal because Dave is also in charge of Softball sign ups. While he was talking to people I decided to wait outside where there are wrought iron tables and chairs set up so people can drink coffee, visit and so forth. "K" came out and sat next to me. I thanked her again for committing to pray for my family and she quickly changed the subject to Spring Break. Our 10 minutes sitting outside in the Spring weather gleaned more information about her than the past 6 months of our being on a bowling league together. She knows her limitations and disabilities and spoke freely of them to me.

She knows that she is different but I wonder if she knows just how special she has just become to me?

MARRIAGE MONDAY/TUESDAY

2011-03-08T06:07:00.003-06:00

I had high hopes of submitting something yesterday for Marriage Monday but my creative juices have shriveled, much like a raisin or a prune! I've decided to give it a shot this morning. Join us and E-Mom for this month's topic on trust!

Want this button?

I grew up with MAJOR trust issues. My biological dad wasn't an active part of my life after my parents divorced when I was only 6 years old. I didn't know how desperate I was for male approval until many years later! When I was 16 years old I got pregnant and married my daughter Jennifer's father. The marriage was doomed from the start due to our immaturity and I'm certain my insecurities didn't help either. After our divorce I dated different guys and remarried when I was only 20 years old, sadly for all the wrong reasons. My divorce from Jessica's father was the final blow to my trust. In both marriages, I had been cheated on and I was left with a shattered self-image.

I never grew up thinking I was invincible. Maybe in some aspects when I made poor choices without thought to what the consequences might be but overall, I rode the waves of whatever life seemed to throw at me. I might have thought I was in control but we all know what an illusion that is!

I became a Christian not long after I married my 2nd husband. There wasn't an instantaneous deliverance of insecurity when I gave my heart to Christ. Instead, I backslid for about a year before coming home to the Lord again, this time for good!

After my second divorce, my self-esteem was so brutalized that I resembled nothing like God's original intent for me, I was unrecognizable. I entered into my 3rd marriage a Christian but with many, many issues! We were both fairly new Christians and I might have appeared to have it together on the outside but every disagreement Dave and I had or any wrong perceptions I had on Dave's happiness left me with the thought,
"It's only a matter of time and he will leave you as well."

It's true, I didn't give Dave enough credit for his integrity or his commitment but I didn't exactly have a very good track record! So what changed?

I changed! God began putting back the pieces of my broken self-esteem and completely healed a gaping, festering wound that had become so much a part of me that it identified me. Slowly and painfully God revealed to me how I had been intended to be loved and cherished BY HIM all along; I was precious to Him and how He delighted in me. I am fully known by the One who created me. It was my position in Christ that identified me, not my previous failures!

Once I allowed God to redeem my broken self-image, miraculous things happened. I was able to truly forgive others and lay those demons to rest, dead and buried for good. When my heart changed, our marriage was transformed! Just the other day while coming home from church, Dave and I were talking about the message our Pastor had given that morning dealing with love and respect in marriage. We both know that the work God did in me was the turning point in our marriage. Many times in the earlier years of our marriage we had grit our teeth and bowed our necks to keeping our marriage alive. It wasn't on life support but neither was it thriving! We have been in a good place for a long time now. While satan knows that the old tactics in our relationship no longer work, he assaults us in different ways, usually in relationships with those we are closest to.

Nothing feels as good or has the ability to transform every area of our lives, like God redeeming our self-image. I AM a new creation in Christ, the old is gone and the new has come!

UpCOMING EVENTS

2011-03-06T07:35:00.003-06:00

Not a lot going on here as of late. Sometimes I don't feel like scribbling down my thoughts or I start to and end up hitting the delete button. I refuse to feel guilty over my blog anymore. It's the season I'm in right now where I'm tired of thinking deep thoughts, I am in escape mode.

Actually, I have been very busy here lately. Our social calendar has been filled up to where nearly every weekend has something going on! Last night it was dinner with Dave's boss and his wife followed by a retirement party. Today is church in the morning but Dave is flying out to Portland early in the morning so he'll pack tonight and we'll veg out with a good movie.

Spring has arrived here in Texas and with it my desire to go on a campout. I don't know if that will pan out but I am in the mood none the less. I'll be driving half way to St Louis in less than 2 weeks so that Jennifer can hand off "Kit-Kat" to me for her Spring Break. The kids here have their Spring Break the week prior so we don't have to worry about a lot of kids depending on what we're doing. The negative is that Jelly Bean won't be off school to join us in our activities.

On the schedule:
A trip to Glen Rose Texas to Dinosaur Valley State Park. In the Paluxy River are some of the best fossilized Dinosaur tracks ever found in the United States! You can walk in the footprints of these ancient giants! There are hiking trails, picnic spots and exhibits to enjoy. Myself personally, I can't wait to go since it's been a LONG time since I was last there! Watch this video for more on the tracks!

Another possibility:
The Waco Mammoth Site:
"The nations only recorded discovery of a nursery herd of Pleitocene herd". It sounds like a great place to visit and learn! Here's the link to that site!

There is lots to see and do in the Dallas/Ft Worth area and I'm sure our time together is going to fly!

In the midst of that is Charlie's "Transfer Day" up at OU in Norman, Oklahoma. This Mom is proud of her son for getting his acceptance letter to OU! He's wrapping up his 4th semester here locally and before I know it, we'll be moving him up there and getting him settled in! This year is already going by at a fast pace!

NEW HOBBY

2011-02-23T06:55:00.006-06:00

Okay, enough of the dark, brooding posts for today. I need to take a break from myself and I'm sure you do too!!

I love antiques and I especially love antiques that have a personal connection to them. My husband collects Colorado Milk Bottles and "go-withs". These are advertising tools that the dairies put out like matchbooks, calendars, ash trays, cake servers, milk picks, etc. The bottles themselves, are the old style glass and embossed, with the dairy's name, delivered by the Milk Man; a by-gone piece of our American History. Our house is OVER RUN with the stuff and I am looking forward to the day (retirement) where he can have his own little Colorado Milk Museum, tucked away in the basement or some other place where it isn't always surrounding me! I mean the man is a serious collector!

I have my Pink Glass Depressionware that I love to collect. I haven't been at it too long but all the pieces I have found are functional and I use them regularly!

I have also found a few serving pieces that I enjoy using whenever I set the table.

This piece is one of my favorites, it hails from Occupied Japan!

Antiques are used as decoration in our home as well. I have gradually collected specific items that I feel add character and interest in our home-1940's radio, antique typewriter, treadle sewing machine, hand crank phone and so on.

The antique STANDARD treadle sewing machine sits in our bedroom and displays some of my most precious old photos!

I got an exceptionally good deal on this old KELLOGG crank phone from E-Bay!

I've always wanted an old radio from days gone by! This one was collecting dust in an old flea market/ antique store and I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the price! It was made *1942 and I envisioned families sitting around it getting news of the war going on in the European and Pacific theaters. The service card was found in a 1943 issue of LIFE magazine listing the casualties amongst my great grandmothers belongings. One of her sons, my great Uncle AZ was killed in 1942 in the Solomon Islands.

I still would like an antique secretary as well as an old Victrola Record Player but all in due time...

My latest hobby happened by accident. This past summer Dave and his brothers were in the labor intensive process of going through their parents home. My mother-in-Law passed away in 2006 and Dave's dad passed away this past June 16th. The very next day my Mom was diagnosed with cancer and so we were back home in St Louis, each involved in our own tasks. My time was spent with my folks and at the hospital and Dave's involved sorting through a lifetime of childhood memories. Neither of us envied the other to say the least!

Dave is a photographer and so we got his dad's old Brownie camera but the thing that really captivated me was the old View-Master! Remember those bright & shiny, red toys whose reels could transport you to far off, magical places when we were children? Well this one is from the 1946-1955 era, is made of black bakelite and originally sold for $2.00 a piece! I don't know if it belonged to Dave's Mom or his Dad or if there were any extra reels down in the basement. Dave's Mom would always tell me to let her know if there was anything I would eventually want from them after they were gone but honestly, I didn't even know it existed! They were hoarders and pack rats with much of there stuff having been boxed up and stored in the basement, so I never saw it! Dave's Mom was notorious to save the original boxes that stuff came in; she also would write the date of purchase and the amount paid for it. I suspect since this has neither, that it belonged to Dave's dad and was purchased prior to their marriage in 1951!

The old View-Master, its original box as well as 3 reels that were inside the box-Hoover Dam, Bryce Canyon & Utah/Arizona.

While I've been cruising E-Bay I decided to collect the old View-Master reels from our vacation spots!

At least this hobby doesn't take up tons of space!

WHAT'S NEW?

2011-02-22T06:45:00.004-06:00

In one sense I feel like there's nothing new going on but I know that's not really true. My Mom was released from the hospital last Wednesday and it was good to hear her voice. The tests were inconclusive so they're wondering if it was a gas/constipation issue. Since my Mom is living with a colostomy, this is a big deal since normal body functions that we take for granted, have been "rerouted". She called ME last night which always make my heart soar! Although I must admit that when I saw their number on caller ID my first thought was that it was Pop calling me about another health crisis with my Mom. She had her chemo yesterday after her appointment with the Oncologist. Her latest scans showed the lymph nodes now clear which is good news. She will also have to be taking a previous drug because there are spots once again on her liver. She pretty much told me,
"If this doesn't work, they're out of options, I'll need a miracle".
I have been praying for a miracle since June 17th whether it be through Divine Intervention, surgery or medicine.

I struggle with balance in regards to my Mom's health. I totally believe that God can and does intervene and perform miracles every day. I also know that God has counted the very numbers of the hairs on our head and that He has numbered our days. I don't believe that God makes people get cancer or that He causes children to die,

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

I know that He could intervene and all the pain of this world would disappear. I also know that sometimes He chooses not to. Jesus didn't say we wouldn't have troubles in this world but rather it's a question of WHEN...

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

I have said before that for me there has to be purpose in pain and suffering. If there isn't, then God is cruel and I don't believe that is a part of His character. James and Peter spoke about purpose in pain and suffering,

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1Peter 1:6-7

So I continue to trust in a God whose thoughts are higher than my thoughts and whose ways are not my own...

NO MANUAL

2011-02-16T07:09:00.004-06:00

I wish that there was some sort of manual for us to know how to respond to life! I know that we are all different and will react to things uniquely but that doesn't stop me from feeling lost. Thank the Lord for giving me 2 anchors, Himself and Dave! Dave and I have had some of the deepest and most meaningful conversations in these last 8 months than ever before in the many years of our marriage.

While I was in St Louis I sat with my Mom and Pop while she was getting her chemo treatment. Due to her weakness from lack of eating and being all doped up, she needed a little help getting in and out of St Mary's hospital. I've never seen my Mom in a wheelchair and so that hit me hard. The day I was scheduled to fly back to Texas I went and had breakfast at their house then accompanied them back to St Mary's for some blood work.

In the time since I've been back, one week now, Mom has fallen again and burnt herself when she fell against the ceramic heater in their living room. She was admitted to the hospital on Monday for severe pain which kept her from receiving her chemo this week. They have run tests and now we are waiting for the results. Her pain is being managed but they don't know specifically what is causing it. We are all pretty much helpless here.

Hearing my mother cry is absolutely horrible. No one can understand just how DEEPLY this affects me. My worst childhood memory involves my Mother crying. I am 7 years old and she is completely overwhelmed because she has lost her job. I was raised by her with virtually no financial support from my father so as the sole bread-winner of our family, this was devastating for her. Your parents are your security and your stability as a child, when they break down like that, it shakes you to your core! At 7 I felt utterly helpless-I remember thinking of how I had to be strong for her. That's a lot to put on yourself when you're that young! I am now 50 and feel the same exact way as I did when I was 7, utterly helpless! As I pray about this I feel like God is having me address this horrible memory from my childhood. The only difference is that I am no longer a child and now I have Him beside me...

I have been strong since we first got the diagnosis of my Mom's cancer. My strength comes from God through the Holy Spirit. I haven't truly broken down in front of her or Pop as well as my kids. There have only been a handful of people that I have felt comfortable "losing it" with! Having said that, while I was visiting with my Mom, sitting on the floor with my head on her knee, I just lost it. The child inside of me wanted her to desperately make my world right once again. I hadn't realized how I needed HER comfort until that moment.

I could sure use that manual....

GIRLIES BIRTHDAY IN ST LOUIS!

2011-02-14T07:07:00.006-06:00

I went home to St Louis recently to celebrate my grand-daughters Kit-Kat and Sweet Tart's birthdays and to visit with my folks. God was gracious in giving me a window of opportunity to fly there and back home to Texas in between ice storms and snowstorms. I've been going back for the last 8 years, since Kit-Kat was born and this was the first time weather was a concern.

I was totally unprepared for seeing my Mom since the last time I saw her was at Thanksgiving. She is very weak, has lost 70 pounds and is in a lot of pain. When she saw me just sat there and cried. I hugged her but it broke my heart to see her this way. After only being there 45 minutes I volunteered to run an errand for Pop which gave me the opportunity to cry my eyes out with Dave over the phone. After I returned I visited for a while and then left so I could hook up with Dave's brother Perry and his wife Peggy for dinner to celebrate Perry's birthday. I felt guilty because I was relieved to be going, I guess I just needed some time to process it all in. Pop told me later that she got up some time in the middle of the night Thursday and fell. He had a difficult time getting her back up but we are fortunate that she didn't break anything or gash her head on the coffee table having barely missed it.

The next day, our annual tradition is to take the girlies to Miss Aimee Bee's Tea Room to celebrate their special day. It was wonderful to see how much they love doing this but I really missed my Mom not being there this year. She really wanted to go but she just didn't have the strength to do so. (The girlies waiting to order brunch.)

(Ladies day out!)

(Sweet Tart enjoys her Hot Chocolate.)
(Kit-Kat with her Puff Pancake!)
(Gigi and her girlies!)

We finished running errands afterwards and relaxed that evening altogether. The next day, the day of the party I went out and visited my folks for several hours. My Mom was heart broken that she wasn't able to go to the party. She had been planning on doing so until the last few weeks when she stopped eating and became so weak. Pop had left to run errands and my step-sister Yvonne was there when I got there. Vonnie herself is a 5 year colon cancer survivor and she has great advice, insight and has been wonderful support for Pop. I used to think about how I'm my Mom's only child and how I have no siblings to relate to. I have never been so wrong in my whole life. Thank God for Vonnie because I am physically unable to help out right now but she is there for them! She and I had a good visit while my Mom was sleeping and she encouraged and comforted me, blessing me tremendously.

(Birthday Girlies all dolled up for their party!)
(Twizzler is getting SO big, he's ALL boy!)
(THE definition of cuteness!)

(Sweet Tart blows out her 5 candles!)
(Kit-Kat blows out her 7 candles!)
To be continued...

SINCE I LAST BLOGGED

2011-02-02T06:45:00.005-06:00

Since I last blogged...

I received an award from E-Mom, our lovely Marriage Monday Hostess:

• First, thank and link back to the person who gave you this award
• Second, share 7 things about yourself
• Third, award 15 recently discovered great bloggers
• Then, contact these bloggers and tell them they’ve won this award

I can do the first 2 things and if I get the chance I'll pass out this award to 15 of my favorite bloggers!

SEVEN RANDOM THINGS
1) I studied Classical Ballet for 10 years and my heart's desire was to be a ballerina!
2) Westerns are my favorite kind of movie!

3) I have currently lost 15 pounds on the new Anti-Inflammatory diet the Homeopathic Doctor has me on!!

4) I had my spleen removed almost 6 years ago.

5) Although I live in Texas, I have never been to Mexico!

6) I am claustrophobic and have a fear of drowning! The worst possible way for me to die: buried alive or trapped underwater in a car! shivers.....

7) I collect pink glass depressionware! I love it, it's so beautiful! My pieces are also functional, I use them a lot!

I have been doing some writing over at the Sisterhood of the Traveling Scarf blog. I belong to a group of amazing Christian ladies where we first took part in sending a scarf literally around the world, then an apron and now this year a Bible. In this years adventure with the Bible we shared our testimony, favorite Bible verses which were highlighted in the small Bible and now I have sent it on to the next "sister". If you are interested in reading my testimony, here are the links, in order:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3:

Part 4:

Part 5:

Part 6:

We are in the midst of yucky weather and I am trying to fly out to St Louis for "Kit-Kat" & "Sweet Tart's" birthday party this Saturday! I am also hoping to get a lot of good visitation in with my mom. Currently, my flight is now delayed until 12:30AM!!!! Arrival time in St Louis, 2:10 Thursday morning!

Last year taking the girlies out for their annual birthday luncheon with jennifer and my Mom.

On top of me stressing about the weather and flight delays, our electric company decided to do rolling blackouts which ended up knocking out our furnace. We haven't had it 2 years yet and apparently the culprit was a switch that needed to be reset. Try as I might, I couldn't find a diagram on it anywhere! Not even online, that is in between no power and then when I had power, I had NO internet! GEEZ! Dave found something on it at work and tried to talk me through it. Well, our system wasn't cooperating at all. He came home early and between us we actually found the miniscule, hidden reset button! It's up to 62 degrees inside now!

So, I'll be out of pocket for a few days and if I get a chance I'll come a callin' but I can;'t make any promises. I intend to be quite busy loving up my sweet mamma and those Missouri grandbabies!!

HEARING VOICES

2011-01-19T08:05:00.003-06:00

The last time I wrote, I had briefly spoken to my Mom and she sounded so fragile. It felt as if she was slipping away from me, leaving me with a sadness and helplessness that clung to me like a soggy blanket. Our Pastor reminded us Sunday morning to,
"Let what you know control how you feel. Don't let what you feel, control what you know."

There's a lot of wisdom in that simple statement and some times, depending on what's going on in my life, that's easier to live out than others! Saturday was one of those days that just got to me, in a funk...

Monday came, bringing another round of chemo for my Mom and I had planned to make a 4th attempt to have a conversation with her that evening. At 5:03, SHE called me!! I was so excited to hear her voice once again! She sounded a little rough but we actually had a nice albeit brief, conversation. She had been put on Morphine for her pain and it was making her sleep all the time. They have since given her something else to manage her pain.

I have been thinking about hearing voices the last couple of days. Experts say that babies in the womb are familiar with their mother's voices, having heard them right from the start of their lives. We've all seen a baby relax and calm under the soothing words of their mother. When I was a teenager, I spent a large portion of my time NOT listening to her voice, which is normal for most kids at that age!

My mother, I have been told by everyone, has an accent but I don't hear it. She came from Germany just a couple of weeks before I was born, I just turned 50 so she's been here a long time! Dave has actually said to me,
"How can you NOT hear her accent?"

I just can't. I have heard her voice my whole life long and it just sounds like Mom to me. My kids don't hear it either, they've grown up with it too. I never realized how much the sound of her voice meant to me until this past Monday...

So much I take for granted...

HEAVY DAY

2011-01-15T15:57:00.002-06:00

I've had a much better outlook the last month or so in regards to my Mom and her cancer. Until today that is...

Today's one of those days, you know the ones where you have a hard time convincing yourself that your new found outlook isn't a bunch of baloney and pie in the sky cr*p. The last 3 times I have called to speak to my Mom, she's not been up for our usual phone conversation. I can hardly blame her, she began yet another chemo drug this past Monday and this one is very strong. She is sleeping a lot in part due to the strong pain medication she is on, the other part, she admits it's an escape for her. Again, who can blame her. Dad says she's weak, hardly eating at all, her voice sounds like she's far, far away. I am filled with sadness and helplessness. My Mom, the woman who gave me life and sacrificed herself for me, I feel is slipping away from me. Nothing else going on in this world matters to me, not Tucson, not politics, not natural disasters, nothing. All that matters is that Mom is fighting this terrible disease and the uncertainty of it all. She's such a fighter, not ready to throw it in and so I pray.

God be merciful to my Mom, to us...Surround us the heavy-hearted...Renew our hope...

PROFOUND

2011-01-12T06:53:00.003-06:00

Recently, I read something very profound that has been sticking with me for quite some time now. I was visiting a new blog and sadly, this young woman has just lost her young husband and has been placed in the position of raising their young children alone. I can't even begin to grasp her situation!

In describing the gaping hole now in her heart since her husband has died she wrote of how she would give anything to have him back again, even for just a day. However, she realizes that her love could never be enough for him after he has experienced the love of God, face to face...

Wow, think on that for a second...

We have all lost someone close to us, a parent, spouse, sibling, grandparent and the grief has weighed heavy upon us. We've said things like, "If only they never had to leave", or "If I could just see them one more time". Likewise, depending on their manner of death we've said things like, "I wouldn't want them back because they were suffering."

The reality of this young widow's words are true! For those who have died in Christ and are in His presence now for eternity, how could they bear to be separated from Him? Christ was one with the Father from the beginning of time, in continual fellowship together. It must have been anguish for Christ to lay aside that fellowship and come to earth in the form of the very humanity He came to save and yet that is exactly what He did. The pain of that separation was never felt as strongly as when He cried out while hanging on the cross!

The wise words of this young woman have brought me comfort. We will all die, some sooner (in our opinion) than others but our ultimate goal in this life is to have a relationship with Christ, bring glory to His name and to dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Once we have experienced the kind of intimacy with God that we can only dream about I don't believe we could ever be satisfied with earthly things ever again!

1 Corinthians 13:12

12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

SURRENDER

2011-01-10T05:50:00.004-06:00

When I hear the word "surrender" I always tend to think of it in terms of the negative. Surrender is the white flag of hopelessness which declares one side the winner and the other the loser. It's what you do when all else has failed and you have run out of options. You raise your hands and say, "I quit!"

Yesterday during Praise & Worship in Church, I could feel the Holy Spirit telling me that it was time to surrender. Time to give everything over to Him in regards to my Mom. Unlike an earthly surrender where the Victor humiliates the defeated, surrender to God is exactly the opposite. How is it that, at that very moment of surrender to Him, we can feel totally loved, restored and dignified? It defies earthly wisdom. Thank goodness we aren't called to rely on earthly wisdom!

I have surrendered before to the Holy Spirit so you would think that I would have realized the necessity of it long before now. After all, I do have a reference point. My humanity however strives to handle things on my own and work it out rather than to immediately turn it over to the ONE who is infinitely more capable and wiser than I am!

Why is it that I am only willing to surrender to God "when all else has failed and I have run out of options"? When life's difficulties hit I need to readjust my reactions; not taking it all on in my own strength but immediately surrendering it over to God. Sometime I think God could grant me the lifespan of the Patriarchs and I still wouldn't be any smarter than I am right now at 50!! Life is supposed to be about progression, moving forward, growing in grace...Obviously, we are to be about the life-long business of perfection until He calls us home to Him.

It is so easy for me to think of surrendering my time, talents and abilities back to God. After all, He is the One who has given me these things and I should use them to serve Him. What does it say about a God who requires more from us than that? Certainly our God wants those good things but he also requires the bad and ugly along with that good. He asks us to also lay our doubts, fears, anxieties, hurt, bitterness, sinfulness and all of the secret ugliness that goes with that, upon the altar of surrender! Growing up Catholic, we had altars. In the Old Testament altars were built to commemorate a covenant between God and man. We tend to think of altars in that light more than a place where sacrifices were offered up. It is still a place where we are called to sacrifice but the life's blood once spilled upon that altar is no longer required. Praise be to Jesus Christ who shed His blood once and for all for our atonement and intercedes on our behalf with the Father.

Sacrifice and surrender, the two go hand in hand...

LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING

2011-01-07T06:25:00.005-06:00

Like a lot of people in my generation, I had "daddy issues". I hadn't always had a close relationship with my Bio-dad unless you count the early years before my parents divorced. I was only 6 and the fallout from that life-changing event affected me in ways that only now as an adult can I begin to comprehend. My Bio-dad became a Believer back in 1977 while I was in full blown teenage rebellion. Most of my life I had a love-hate relationship (on my part) with him. Roughly 10 years ago we finally came to terms with our past, God miraculously healed me from those wounds and I experienced the unbelievable contentment of forgiveness. Many times have I received forgiveness but to EXTEND it to someone else, is to catch a glimpse of God and His infinite grace and mercy. The sense of peace is indescribable...

The closeness of my relationship with my Mom was born out of those years of her being a Single Mom and struggling to raise me alone. I believe that she needed me as much as I needed her. Even those brief years of teenage rebellion weren't enough to sever the closeness of our bond. It took a hit but eventually, our relationship was restored and when I asked her for forgiveness for treating her so terribly, she extravagantly extended it to me.

All I write about anymore is my Mom's illness but that's because it has become such a central part of our lives. I have taken it personally that it has come after my precious Mom and the anger inside of me, spills over at times. If cancer were a person, they'd be dead and buried by now if it were up to me!

Being able to put a name to my situation has helped me tremendously. I realized last month that I am grieving my Mom even though she's still with us. I am grieving the loss of her dignity (because of the colostomy, chemo, the effects of chemo, etc) as well as the loss of her normal life. Things that I take for granted like going out to lunch, feeling well, going to the movies, seeing loved ones are things that she is having to miss out on. It hurts me to know that she is missing out on these things that bring her enjoyment. It's not like recovering from an operation where, barring some unforeseen setback, we know it is a temporary situation and we'll resume our normal life in time. In Mom's situation, we don't know if she will still be with us, let alone that there will be a return to "normal". We remain hopeful but it is out of our hands and so I wait upon the Lord...

My Bio-dad is an extremely Godly man. Outside of my husband Dave, there is no one else that I would go to on Spiritual matters. Last month I shared with him how Mom's cancer had become a monster and the more I fed it, the hungrier it became. It was consuming me and all of my energy was being sucked out of me. I know it's not healthy but how do you stop it? He very gently reminded me that "LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING". Duh, I know that but I had forgotten!

I know my Mom's future is secure resting in Christ as her Lord and Savior. I know that no matter what happens, God's grace will be sufficient for what lies ahead of us. I have peace and I am filled with hope. In the meantime, back here on Planet Earth, I have a job to do and I am not doing it. I am giving power to something that is insignificant. Not that my Mom and her situation are insignificant but the cancer definitely is. I have been more focused on the negatives than I have on the positives and I have not been created that way! If indeed I have been created with a God shaped vacuum in my life and I have filled that void with His presence, I have a reason to be joyful. Not that fake, insincere stuff that gives Christianity a bad name but the joy that comes from knowing God and being known fully by Him!

"We are not human beings on a Spiritual journey but rather, we are Spiritual beings on a human journey"....

I'M BACK.....

2011-01-06T06:24:00.003-06:00

Wow has it really been that long since I last wrote something? The Holiday season was filled with so many activities that keeping up with the blog was a low priority if at all.

It's now a new year and I have made a couple of resolutions, one being to read the Bible in its entirety again. So far so good, although it's only 6 days in! Ask me in March if I am still on track!

I have been feeling a little off this week, nothing too bad just some chest congestion. Normally by now, I would be in full blown sick mode but I do believe that the Homeopathy doctor combined with my flu shot has kept me from getting worse. The Homeopathic Doctor started me on herbs and supplements right before Thanksgiving to try and create balance within my body. I am hopeful that this balance will help my body to correct its auto-immune disease. My Oncologist (like most doctors) will automatically prescribe a drug to treat the symptoms. In my case, he wants to raise my blood platelet count, that is the result he's looking for. With the Homeopathic Doctor, he wants to figure out WHY my immune system is destroying my platelets, let's try and treat the cause rather than the symptoms. I have noticed a gradual positive reaction, I liken it to having more "spark", can't quite put my finger on anything specific, I just know I am feeling "better". It will be 7 years this May since I was diagnosed and for the first time, I am hopeful.

I have nearly "de-Christmas-ified" the house which is always a huge task, almost as tiring as putting everything out! All that remains is boxing the ornaments and taking down all the ceiling decor (garland, lights, beads, picks and bows) and storing it. Once the house is back in pre-Christmas order it's time to turn my attentions to scrap booking! I have gotten some lovely new papers that are begging to be used and so I will fulfill their desires as soon as possible!

I have a trip to St Louis on the horizon for the girlies (Kit-Kat and Sweet-Tart) birthdays next month. Hopefully, Kit-Kat will be able to spend some of her Spring Break with us here in Texas in March. All of this is tempered with my Mom's health of course.

The 3rd chemo option had to be discontinued because it made my Mom very sick. The Oncologist back in November told us that if it didn't work we would be looking at Hospice for her. Needless to say that news devastated us but especially her. She felt like he had given up on her. In the meantime, they have sought out another Oncologist for a 2nd opinion. He is the same doctor that treated my step-sister 5 years ago of her colon cancer and she's been clean ever since! They already knew him and respected him and after meeting with him, decided to go with him. He told them he's a maverick and so he thinks outside of the box. He told my Mom he couldn't make her any promises but he was willing to try everything he knew of to try and treat her. This was VERY encouraging to the both of them. She finally began radiation on Tuesday. Since I have been under the weather I haven't talked to her this week but will check in on her tonight to see how she's handling it.
I love this picture of my Mom. She is Old World European so not too many people get to see this side of her!

Through it all, I have peace...No matte what happens, good or bad, God is still God and He is still on the throne!

CHRISTMAS PREPARATIONS

2010-12-16T07:44:00.003-06:00

The tree has been bought, strung with lights and every ornament hung with love and care. Laura and I did our baking (over 500 cookies and 700+ candies) and the trays have all been delivered.
What are we baking for 2010?

Gathering the ingredients.

Doing the prep work!

Laura Lou frosting the German Chocolate Cookies!

The Queen of the Peanut Butter Snowballs!

My right-hand gal dipping Gingersnaps and Ritz Peanut Butter Crackers!!

Turtle Bites, ready to go into a tin!

19 Tins full of goodies!

Fixing the trays.

The trays about to be delivered.

My Christmas cards along with my annual newsletter have been sent. The gifts are wrapped and I just need a couple of gift cards to round things out. The house is decorated to the hilt as it always is and the rubbermaid containers are stored away. Yes, everything seems to be done, all the Christmas preparations for 2010 have been checked off the list.

So what am I missing?

GIVING MYSELF PERMISSION

2010-12-13T05:58:00.005-06:00

My blogging, as of late has been at a standstill and I have learned to be okay with that. There are days I just don't have the energy to even READ other blogs let alone WRITE my own. I have had to give myself permission to no longer beat myself up over this as well as other stuff. Simply put, it is what it is...

From time to time I get on here, ramble about stuff and end up deleting it. It feels like I'm going through the motions and I refuse to write if I don't feel the passion. I have realized that I am grieving even though my Mom is still with us. That might seem odd to some but it is true for me. In my heart, my emotions swing like a giant pendulum from the side of hope to despair. Yesterday during praise and worship at church, I was singing with gusto at one moment and sobbing the next. I'm sure this is normal and I am seriously thinking of looking for a book at the Christian Bookstore that deals with this whole subject.

Throughout this trial I have been surrounded by an incredible support system! Top on the list is God Himself! The Holy Spirit has empowered me in so many ways that I am actually able to recognize the JOY of that, in the midst of my sadness!

Dave has been my rock; he has been incredibly compassionate and understanding of me. I'm sure having lost his Mom gives him special insight even though he is a man and in his case, ruled by logic and reason. I have drawn on him and his quiet strength like never before!

My children are wonderful! They have been in contact with my folks, letting them know that they are deeply loved. Since my Mom's auto-immune system has been wiped out not to mention her fatigue combined with her concerns and anxiety of daily living with a Colostomy, (She has had nearly constant diareeh while on chemo) they really haven't been up for company. Not seeing them has been hard on my kids but they understand.

My friends have been wonderful. I have had to give myself permission to stop feeling guilty about my lack of communication. They are kept in the loop as to what's going on and I receive e-mails and phone messages telling me of their love and concern; receiving that makes my heart soar even when I feel like my wings are broken! Returning phone calls has become very difficult for me. I am an incredibly social and extroverted person so that seems SO abnormal for me. I realize that I can only talk about my Mom's illness just SO much, then multiply that by retelling it over and over and it wears me down even more than I already am!! I told a dear friend who is in the midst of her own cancer crisis with her dad that "I am tired of being on the verge of tears all of the time". I have had to draw my line in the sand on allowing negativity to over run my life! In many ways, I have cocooned myself away, much like a wounded animal withdraws so that it can focus its energies on healing. I never thought that I could be that way and yet here I am...

Some days find me better than others. This experience, as awful as it has been is teaching me something valuable. At this moment in time I can't see the whole sum of it but I just have to trust that God is faithful and that one day I will look back and see how far he has brought me. Along this incredibly LONG journey, taken with baby steps, I know that God is at work within me, transforming me more each day to bear the likeness of His son Jesus Christ. I am constantly reminded of part of a poem written by Russell Kelfer that author Rick Warren quotes in his book, "The Purpose Driven Life":
"No that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you would grow."

I have to believe that purpose can be found within our suffering...it's what gets me through the day.

MARRIAGE MONDAY

2010-12-06T05:49:00.004-06:00

It's Marriage Monday and it's time once again to encourage each other in our sacred commitments. Join in and share your views on this month's topic:
"JOY FOR TWO AT CHRISTMAS"

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I have really been struggling this year preparing my heart and spirit for Christmas. Most everyone knows that my Mom is fighting for her life against cancer and barring Divine Intervention, this will be her last Christmas. This breaks my heart beyond words...

Yesterday, I was feeling under the weather. I awoke at 2:15 Sunday morning with all the symptoms of the stomach flu train, rolling into the station! I do believe getting a flu shot prevented me from a full train derailment! I was pretty run-down all day, slept a lot and ate very little! This morning I am back on track and raring to go! (Dave is a Railroader so this analogy just popped into my head!)

One of the things I did yesterday was watch one of my favorite Christmas movies, "One Magic Christmas" while Dave was at Church Bowling League (I have to post-bowl this afternoon). I have been teased by my family for as long as this movie has been out, about my love for this movie and their disdain for it! Yes, it's a knock off of "It's A Wonderful Life" but it's from a woman's perspective and it has an enchanting North Pole/Santa Clause twist that I enjoy. In classic form, after being shown that she has MUCH to be thankful for and that it can be taken away in an instant, the woman is reformed, focused and grateful for the blessings of her husband and children!

Yesterday that was me! I told Dave last night that my Mom's cancer is a monster that is consuming EVERYTHING in my life and the more I feed it, the hungrier it is! It's the first thing I think about in the morning, it's the last thing I think about when I close my eyes at night and it hovers over me all the day long. When the movie was over I sat there and cried because I have lost sight of so much that is wonderful in my life! I have been blessed with children, grandchildren, wonderful parents, amazing friends who are so supportive and a husband that I am more wildly in love with after all of these years than I was was back when we shared our very first Christmas together!

There is something about sharing your life with your best friend that brings comfort even when our hearts are suffering. Dave has walked this road before losing his Mom to cancer in 2006 and now his dad this past summer. Granted, his is a male perspective and ruled by logic and reason but he understands me...Our trials have bound our hearts even closer together. We've shared many Christmas' over the years; years where I was pregnant, we had small children, teenagers and now, empty-nesters.

I remember many late Christmas Eve's spent baking pies for Christmas dinner, wrapping the last of the kids gifts, filling stockings and then falling exhausted into bed only to be awakened on Christmas morning before the sun was even up! One year, before putting them to bed, we told the kids not to wake us up before 7AM on Christmas morning. We then proceeded to set all the clocks back one hour, ensuring us sleep until 8AM! Now THAT was hilarious! In our home, opening gifts has never been a "free for all"; we go in orderly fashion, taking turns so that each gift and giver can be fully appreciated.

Life is slower paced now which is enjoyable but I miss the frantic, noisy-ness of children living at home. Still, I am content...

UNMOTIVATED

2010-12-02T06:44:00.005-06:00

I LOVE Christmas! I love decorating, baking, addressing the Christmas cards, wrapping gifts and so on. Can I just say for the record that my heart's just not in it this year....

I KNOW that the focus of Christmas is NONE of the things that I just mentioned, it's about the love of God for mankind, expressed in human form in the person of Jesus Christ.

However, when cancer is threatening the life of someone dear to you, it's difficult to stay focused on the true meaning of Christmas. Most of the time you think of just making it through the day.

That's me, where I am right now-raw, wounded and brutally honest...

The older I get the more I find myself reflecting. I am sure that no longer having children living at home is a part of that as well. Life WAS simpler when I was a child. Even though my Mom struggled to make ends meet and provide for us I always enjoyed Christmas. It was never extravagant (especially by today's standards and a single Mom's salary) but I never felt like I lacked in anything despite the fact that we were too poor to pay attention. I usually got a gift and an outfit from my Mom for Christmas and of course my Grandmas always had something for me, usually clothes too. Considering I went to Catholic school and had to wear a uniform, the gift of clothing was a treat!

We had a small artificial tree, probably 3 feet tall that sat on the corner end table. It wasn't anything that would appear in a Martha Stewart magazine but I didn't know any different. It could have been one of those silver aluminum ones with the rotating color wheel and I wouldn't have cared. It was ours, decorated with ornaments that my Mom had brought from Germany with her when she came to this country. It probably took us a total of 30 minutes to assemble the tree, hang the ornaments and string tinsel on it; unlike today where I spend HOURS just getting 100's of lights on the tree!

I remember being at my Grandma's house and watching the Christmas specials-
"How The Grinch Stole Christmas", "Charlie Brown Christmas", "Frosty The Snowman" and "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer". Outside the wind would be blowing, my Mom might be out shopping and I would be snuggled up by the space heater watching TV. Through it all, I felt S-A-F-E.

Now I am 50, my Grandma went to be with Jesus 10 years ago and in all liklihood, this is my Mom's last Christmas. Part of me yearns for those days when I was a child and life was so uncomplicated.

We don't get the luxury of standing still, life is always propelling us forward even when we want to dig in our heels and stay put!

STILL STANDING

2010-11-30T07:08:00.002-06:00

In light of all that we are going through, I will try and do a little writing so I can have a sense of normalcy in my life.

We live our lives as if we are untouchable and when we DO have a traumatic event come up in our lives, it's as if we've had the rug pulled out from underneath our feet. I'm no different I guess...I have always had a scenario in my mind about how things would be and now I realize that all of that can change, in the blink of an eye.

Death doesn't frighten me for I know that my eternity has been bought and paid for by the blood of my Savior Jesus Christ. What makes me anxious these days is my concerns for Pop and how he will cope with the loss of my Mother. Barring Divine Intervention this will happen in the near future. I am sad for myself as well. I am very close to my Mom, we've shared so much together all the way back to when she was a struggling single Mom. She has had a lot to overcome in her lifetime and it has left her weary. Still, even this past Saturday on my final visit over Thanksgiving, she's not ready to give up yet.

My Mom and I are very different personalities but losing her will hit me hard! I already feel a bit lost and she is still here, I can not imagine how it will be later...I try not to dwell on that.

I have felt the undeniable power of the Holy Spirit sustaining me these last 6 months. He has empowered me to be, say and DO what has been required, at just the exact moment. God has been very near to me, wrapping His arms of comfort around me and has just let me sit "on His lap" and pour my heart out to Him.

I appreciate something a sweet sister in Christ (Lidj) wrote after losing her precious husband:

"As a Mother I am called to be the "family remembrancer", the one who remembers, the one who points out the signposts. I am also the gatekeeper, the watchman who stands guard, the priest who intercedes and who holds the cup of God's healing oil.
MAY I BE FOUND FAITHFUL!"

At the time I wrote this down on a 4x6 card I had no idea what was waiting down the road for us. God reminds me that I have a purpose in life and it is to bring glory to Him and point others towards Him. My children need to know that God is in control, that hasn't changed! We may be surrounded by difficulties and trials but God is faithful and will never allow us to slip from His grip. Separation is painful but it is only temporary in the light of eternity.

God does ALL things well, He is good, ALL the time!

THANKFULNESS

2010-11-19T06:01:00.002-06:00

My list continues:

21.) I am thankful for sight. We take it for granted and yet try to imagine no longer having it? It would be so devastating! Those orbs that our Creator fashioned process information and translates it back to the brain giving us a visual picture! Is it any wonder that evolution takes more faith for me to believe in than our magnificent God, our Heavenly Father.

22.) Thankful for coffee with Hazelnut creamer! Nuf said!

23.) Thankful for my memories, they might be a tad fuzzy as I get older but there has been a lifetime of fun, smiles, being loved and giving love!

24.) Thankful that what the enemy intended as harm for me God has used for my good and His glory!

25.) Thankful for the sound of Dave's laughter! Marriage is all about sharing our sorrows but also the hilarious!

26.) Thankful for special friends in my life. I have 4 women that meet different areas of my life with their friendship. One is my mentor and one, I mentor! They are "level 10" relationships and are ALWAYS there for me.

27.) Pecan Pie!! Oh my goodness! Heaven in a crust!!

28.) The feel of grand-children's arms around my neck and hearing, "I love you GIGI". There is no sweeter music to my ears!

29.) Books! I LOVE to read and I love to learn!

30.) Thankful for HOPE. Even when life doesn't go according to OUR plans, we know that God has a future planned for us that we can't even begin to think or imagine!

We are heading home to St. Louis this afternoon for Thanksgiving vacation and I will be absent for a bit. Please pray for the usual traveling mercies but also please pray for us emotionally. This is the first holiday where now BOTH of Dave's parents are gone. We'll be staying at my in-law's home but it will be very different! The house is almost empty since the estate auction in October and I am sure this will be difficult for my beloved!

Please pray for me. I will be seeing my Mom for the first time since July. The chemo has robbed her of her hair, 45 pounds and has left visible reminders of its effects. I don't want to look shocked when I see her, she doesn't need that from me! Also, she told me last night that she has had a set back, her pain has returned and they had to do a cat scan. We will know the results soon but I admit, I am fearful that the tumor is growing and that THIS treatment isn't working either. In my heart I can't help but wonder if this isn't going to end according to MY plans. Please pray that my hope is strengthened!

GIVING THANKS LIST

2010-11-18T06:35:00.009-06:00

Continuing on from yesterday, focusing on the numerous blessings in my life (in no particular order):

11.) I am thankful that even though I DO have health issues, I am still better off than so many others!

12.) My love for the outdoors! There's nothing like putting on my hiking boots, loading up my Camelbak and then being blown away by God's handiwork!

13.) Thankful that Dave is the best hiking partner for me! I am slower than him but his love of photography means he's constantly looking for photo ops and I can keep up!

14.) Dave's photography skills! A trip lives on forever through his artistry!

15.) Financially, God has always met our needs and then some!

16.)I have been to Germany several times when I was a child so that I could visit my grandparents and experience my mother's culture!!(My Mother & Grandmother)

17.)My love for preservation! Whether it's a special keepsake like my Grandmother's trunk, family photos or working on the Family Genealogy, I am a Memory Keeper!

18.) Our modest home! I don't need anything fancy, I am as content as can be, right here, right now in my double-wide!

19.) That God has given us opportunities to bless others with our time, talents and resources!

20.) Autumn!! it's my favorite time of the year! Wearing sweaters, crunching leaves, pumpkin pie, caramel apples, golden colors and fires in the fireplace!

SLUMP

2010-11-17T07:38:00.004-06:00

Since I have been AWOL for quite some time I thought I should make my presence known so I won't be forgotten! I decided to work on a Thanksgiving List, things I am thankful for...in no particular order:

1.) My relationship with Jesus Christ-He has saved me for eternity & gives me the abundant life NOW to bring glory to His awesome name!

2.) Dave-I've been blessed to have shared my life with this wonderful man for over 1/2 my life now!

3.) My daughter Jennifer-she is so thoughtful and one of her many wonderful qualities is that she has the ability to make you feel loved with her "special touches" and attention to detail!

4.) My daughter Jessica-For her sweet sensitivity and her caring heart which is easily broken for others who are hurting!

5.) My daughter Laura-Her love language is gift-giving & she is always looking for something personal to give someone to convey her deepest feelings!

6.) My son Charles-His sense of humor & wit can brighten the darkest day & put a smile on my face!

7.) My mother Helga-Her sacrifices when I was a child & the values she instilled in me, have made me what I am today!

8.) My step dad "Pop"- He has loved me as one of his own over the years & my children as well. He tenderly & unselfishly cares for my Mom right now when she is at her most vulnerable battling cancer!

9.)My biological father Jim-I am grateful that God has restored that relationship & that God has healed me from those childhood hurts!

10.) My paternal grandmother who loved me to pieces when I was a little girl & could always put a calm & a peace over me when I was feeling tossed about!

Now that is a good start! I have much to be grateful for and I am just getting started!

BLOCKED

2010-11-05T06:32:00.001-05:00

Too much on my heart these days to write anything worthwhile or unworthwhile.
Tis the season right now......

TRADITION

2010-10-25T08:59:00.010-05:00

This weekend, our 8 year old grand-daughter, "Jelly Bean" spent the weekend with us. Every October for the last several years we have gone to a really cool pumpkin patch near our house. This year however, Grampy joined us for the first time! There are bounce houses, a train ride, scary displays, a maze made from hay bales, bouncy obstacle courses and slides, food and of course, pumpkins everywhere! Grampy was completely impressed and told me I HAD to buy a pumpkin from them to support them staying in business! I normally go to Sprawl Mart and get a nice pumpkin for under $4 but not this year!! Later that night as she was scooping out the pumpkin guts, we found 4 pumpkin seeds inside that had sprouted!! I've NEVER seen that before! She carved a peace sign on her pumpkin and we lit it up!

After, we dropped Grampy off at home and had lunch at McD's where she played in the Play Place and I endured a bunch of screaming and enthusiastic children! We saw the 3D movie, "Legend of the Guardians" (visually STUNNING!), Sunday she helped us greet at church, went to the bowling alley with us and bowled with the twin daughters of our fellow team mates, we made and decorated cookies and then last night, after she left I CRASHED!!

My how you've grown! Our first trip to the Pumpkin Patch 4 years ago.

The years are zooming by! Again, this was our first trip 4 years ago!

Off to church!

FUNKY TOWN

2010-10-21T06:53:00.004-05:00

Wont "chew" take me to...
FUNKY TOWN!!

No, disco isn't making a comeback (thank the Lord!), I'm just in a funk these days. It's just that season of life right now...

Dave went out of town this week and is coming home today, thank goodness. I get a little "lost" feeling some times when he goes out of town and I am here alone. I tend to not make the bed, eat fast food and let the house go to ruin while he's away. I like order and I don't know why I do that but maybe it's as simple as "because I can".

We celebrated Charlie's birthday last Sunday, I beat Dave 1 out of 3 games in bowling and came really close on another one and canned chili in the pressure canner yesterday. The excitement level is intense I tell ya!

Yesterday was the estate auction at Dave's parents' house back in St. Charles. I don't know yet how that went but it left me a little sad all day yesterday. I went through one of the containers that we brought home from there and when I opened it up, I could smell their house. Not a bad smell, just THEIR smell and it made me sad to think that their chapter is now closed. Weird is about the only word I can come up with to describe how unusual this is. One day, it'll be my folks that are gone and I will be feeling this way again, only worse.

Today my Mom has a BIG treatment at the Cancer Center where she gets double-dosed with drugs. She'll probably sleep the day and night away today. Still, I will check in and see how it went. I hate to admit this but sometimes I dread calling. I have been trying to be so optomistic and upbeat even though we've been in limbo since June. This has been so incredibly hard on my folks and I feel guilty whining about how this affects me!

Still...I HATE this!
I HATE how cancer dictates our lives right now! My waking and ending thoughts of every stinkin' day are focused on it!

I HATE wondering if this is the last Holidays we have with my Mom or if that was the last time I heard her sing me Happy Birthday!

I HATE worrying that Pop is running himself ragged!

I HATE the unfairness of it all! My Mom has endured so much in her life and now this!

I HATE that I worry about how this affects me! It seems wrong to think of myself and yet, I can't help it! I don't even want to imagine my life, minus her...

So I just feel adrift these days...like I'm sitting on a chunk of debris in a vast ocean being tossed all over the place. Nothing profound, no wisdom here today people, just feeling kind of raw.....

JUMBLED THOUGHTS FOR TODAY

2010-10-15T07:28:00.002-05:00

Here lately in my quiet time I find myself thankful. It has to be a God thing since there is so much turmoil going on in our family. A couple of days ago I literally felt like I was imploding. Implosions turn inward while explosions turn outward. I am rather surprised that with all of the stress going on, I haven't twisted off on anyone as is my usual way. God has definitely helped me in the self-control area and I am sure that those closest to me are VERY grateful! I am ready for this year to end and to get a fresh start on a better one in 2011. I just don't think that's going to happen though, I'm not being negative I am just being realistic.

I told Dave recently that I feel that as we get older, life gets more complicated! Those days of being young and care-free are such a long time ago! I know we're supposed to grow and mature and think of others, that's what God calls us to, but there's something to be said about running along all self-involved, when you are focused on yourself you don't hurt for others as much! There will always be something and God calls us to persevere and run our race.

As I was praying I told the Lord that satan is attacking my family once again when he called to remembrance the verse from 1 Peter 5:8:

8Be well balanced (temperate, sober of mind), be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring [[a]in fierce hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour. (Amplified)

I have known that for how many years? Immediately though God reminded me of Rev. 5:5:

5Then one of the elders [[a]of the heavenly Sanhedrin] said to me, Stop weeping! See, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root (Source) of David, has won (has overcome and conquered)! He can open the scroll and break its seven seals!
(Amplified)

I need to remember that the Lion of Judah trumps satan's poor "imitation alley-cat" hands down every time! On our recent hiking trip God reminded me of something:

"Life is like a hike. Seldom is the trail level and easy going and it takes a lot of energy to make it to the top of the mountain. There are no shortcuts but the hard work results in magnificent views that you can't see otherwise! Sometimes I make good strides and other times I have to stop and take a lot of breaks, shuffling along but sooner or later, I do get there. When I am on the top, I will sit and soak up all the scenery and majesty that my poor, finite brain can process but eventually, I have to come down. I don't get to live on top of that mountain. That's how life is, you're either in the valley working your way up or on the mountaintop working your way down. The level, easy going trail unfortunately is a short one."

There will always be something. A weakness to bring under submission, a threat to our loved ones, a health issue, death and so on... I guess that this is my season and I had better gird my loins, take a deep breath and take the plunge!

IT IS FINISHED!

2010-10-13T06:41:00.009-05:00

Today is our son's birthday, today he turns 20.

After 19 years, we are finally finished with having a teenager in the family! DANG! No wonder I have gray hair and Dave has NO hair! Am I supposed to feel differently now? Probably not! The more things change, the more they stay the same!!

He still wants to be a Meteorologist!

He still loves adventure!

He still loves to play video games!! (With Jelly Bean in 2003)

He still loves the outdoors!

He's still making me proud!

He's still a prankster!

He still has my heart!!

UP, UP AND AWAY!

2010-10-12T06:42:00.015-05:00

The party is finally over for my 50th Birthday celebration. The last hurrah was this past Saturday when Dave and I left the house at 6AM for a surprise he had planned for me. I had asked him if we were going to the airport and flying some place for the day and he said nope. The reason why I could ask that and have it not sound outlandish, is because he did that one other time! We knew 2 other couples from our old church who also have their Wedding Anniversaries in November and the men were always in charge of celebrating it. One year they surprised us gals by all 6 of us flying to spend the day in Kansas City!

So anyway...we drove to McKinney, Texas about 45 minutes away and pulled into the Central Market parking lot. I thought,
"We sure came along way for a cup of coffee!"
Even when he parked next to a van with a trailer and sitting inside the trailer was a balloon basket, it didn't click! It wasn't until he got out and approached the van did I suddenly realize what was going on! I was speechless and then, I was scared!

I have a fear of heights. I can do airplanes okay but precarious places is another thing entirely! I can't look over the side of a cliff when we're hiking without getting "the willies"! My teeth tingle, my hands sweat, my heart races and my breathing gets shallow! The thought of standing in this woven basket, high off the ground made me anxious! There were some other people going as well and soon, we loaded up in a large passenger van and headed off to launch!

Clicking on the pictures will enlarge them!

We watched as they unloaded everything and began inflating the 2 balloons.

Dave and I standing inside the balloon as it is being inflated!

Heating up the air inside the balloon. Once it is completely inflated and the air is heated, it will be set upright!

Off we go!

As we lifted off at the park, people began arriving for their kids Saturday morning soccer games!

The other balloon!

Amazing bird's eye views!

Our shadow!

Watching the other balloon do "yo-yo's"!

Skimming the tree tops!

Flying over local ranches.

I wasn't scared after all! I had a blast! It was so incredibly smooth and even though we got to 3.500 feet, it felt gradual, nothing like I had imagined it would be!

Getting ready to land.

The local welcoming committee!

An angry protester! There's one in every crowd!

The balloon chase crew arrived and began deflating the balloon.

We toasted our successful flight with Mimosas and recited the "Balloonist's Prayer".

The winds have welcomed you with softness,
The sun has blessed you with his warm hands
You have flown so high and so free,
That God has joined you in laughter,
And set you gently again,
Into the loving arms of mother earth.

What an amazing adventure!! When do we go again?

JASPER NATIONAL PARK WILDLIFE & FOLIAGE

2010-10-10T16:36:00.002-05:00

JASPER NATIONAL PARK

2010-10-06T07:50:00.009-05:00

After 5 nights in Banff, we made our way to Jasper National Park.
Our first stop: beautiful Peyto Lake!

We stopped at Waterfowl Lake to take some photos!

Dave doing his "thang"!

Canadian Rockies!

Fall foliage as far as the eye can see!

We stopped at the Columbia Icefields so we could take the Ice Explorer out onto Athabasca Glacier. The Icefields at Sunwapta Pass mark the boundary between Banff and Jasper NP's. When we got to the Icefields Center's Parking Lot, the winds were so bitterly cold that I grabbed my long underwear so that I could layer them underneath my clothes. We went inside and grabbed a quick bite of lunch before taking our tour.

You take a charter style bus from the Icefields Center to a staging area where you board the specially equipped Ice Explorers.
Looking back at the Center.

Looking up towards Athabasca Glacier.

Out on Athabasca Glacier, the snow was flying, the winds were blowing and I'm certain that the wind chill was below zero!

There are MANY Asian tourists in the Canadian Rockies! Dave was attempting to take a picture when he saw a Japanese man being photographed by his wife who stayed inside the Ice Explorer. Dave moved thinking he was in the way when the man motioned to him and said,
"YOU in picture! YOU in picture!"
Dave went over, the guy threw his arm around Dave and threw up the peace sign! No telling what this guy is telling his friends back home! The wind was blowing so hard that sometimes it was hard keeping your eyes open!

Once inside Jasper NP one of our stops was Athabasca Falls!

In Jasper, Dave surprised me by having rented us a small cabin for 4 nights! We had a fire in the fireplace every night, he grilled Bison Burgers outside on the grill and every night we played Scrabble, Yahtzee and read books!

The living room.

The kitchen.

Our bedroom.

MARRIAGE MONDAY

2010-10-04T06:23:00.006-05:00

OUR SACRED COMMITMENT

I decided to go with the "wild card" topic for this month's Marriage Monday installment. Join us over at Chrysalis' blog for more encouragement in our Christian marriages!

Want this button?

The whole concept of sacred, being set apart, consecrated to God is not one that most people today think of when they are thinking of marriage. That is however exactly what we've promised to God when we said those vows and invited Him into our marriages, our homes and our families. Too many times that is lost in all of the busyness of wedding preparations, we say the words when we recite our vows but never really consider the weight that they carry.

As Believers in Christ we are to live out our commitment to one another but we are also called to be a witness to the transforming power of Christ! When Dave and I married , if you were to look at us with a worldly view, we had a lot more going AGAINST us than FOR us! I had been married twice before, had 2 daughters by 2 different ex-husbands and a whole trailer truckload of insecurities and dysfunction! Dave was a 31 year old bachelor, with NO experience in parenting, a very strong and sarcastic personality and guided almost entirely by reason and logic! What the world might see as insurmountable obstacles, God saw as life-changing opportunities to glorify Him!

The first few years in our marriage were very difficult but divorce wasn't a word in Dave's vocabulary. Even if he wasn't happy he would've remained loyal to our marriage and to our family, that's just how he is. I struggled almost daily. In my mind, everyone had always walked out on me from my father to both of my ex-husbands and I figured it was only a matter of time before Dave saw the real me and decided that he deserved much better. To say I had low self-esteem would be an understatement! I never fully understood the overwhelming ramifications of low self-esteem until God healed me of it. Low self-esteem affects EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in your life!!

As God slowly stripped me down to my most bare and raw places, He rebuilt my shattered self-image. I am a child of the King, His Princess and I am the apple of His eye! There's nothing I can do that will make Him love me any less or any more than he does right now at this moment, EVERY moment of my life! As I changed, my marriage changed, my husband changed! It's difficult to put into words but it was a supernatural exchange: my brokenness for wholeness, my sorrow and pain for joy and my desperation for marital intimacy for oneness with the one that God has joined me to! Dave who had once been sarcastic and insensitive was now tender and gentle-spirited.

This past Tuesday we returned from a vacation we took in the Canadian Rockies. We left on my 50th Birthday and spent 10 wonderful days, just the 2 of us in Banff and Jasper National Parks. It's no secret that Dave and I love the outdoors and hiking in particular. Hiking has added a whole other level of intimacy to our marriage!! Dave has always loved the outdoors. The oldest of 3 boys growing up he was always outside playing football, baseball, soccer, you name it! Right after he graduated from High School he and his best friend Charlie Moore (our son is named after Big Charlie) took their very first fishing trip in Canada. Over the years they have spent 2 weeks in the summer up in remote, wilderness areas, fishing 12-14 hours a day, grubbing around in the dirt! He has always enjoyed these trips and they have always left him refreshed and recharged. In the last 10 years, Dave has utilized his gifts of organization and attention to detail by investing them in to our family vacations. I jokingly refer to him as "my own personal travel agent!"

I have always believed that my primary love language was "Words of Affirmation", Dave's is "Quality Time." Dave is always looking for creative ways to express his love and affection. I always receive a lovely letter on my birthday, anniversaries, Christmas etc. from him, spelling out his feelings for me and our marriage and I keep them in a special trunk, bound with ribbon.

Dave rarely says, 'I love you" so I look forward to these tangible expressions and I treasure them deeply! On this recent trip, I had the sudden realization that what I thought was my primary love language was actually a by-product of my insecurity! This is probably why sarcasm and and bluntness is so detrimental to a "Words of Affirmation" person! As it turns out, "Quality Time" is more my Love Language than I had realized!

Dave is of the "Talk is cheap" mentality so he doesn't just talk the talk, he walks the walk. He has been showing me his love and affection in other ways, I just wasn't connecting the dots because for so long I was focused on what I thought was missing, those WORDS! Just goes to show you that even after 25 years you are still called to grow in your marriage!!

This summer we spent 2 weeks in Yellowstone and Glacier National Parks. One of our favorite places on earth is the Old Faithful Inn! The original section where we love to stay was built in 1904, every room is different and there are community bathrooms, with showers and toilets down the hall. This might bother some people but for us, it adds to the charm of this place! They have an actual "BATH" room with 2 doors leading into individual rooms, each with a clawfoot tub. I LOVE to take baths and after a long day of hiking, it really hits the spot! Our last 2 nights of vacation we checked back into the Old Faithful Inn and as we entered our room, Dave told me he had a surprise for me. He had reserved us one of the only 2 rooms in the old, original section that has their own bathroom, complete with its own clawfoot tub!!!! Remember me telling you that he was organized and paid attention to detail? He had been keeping this a secret for OVER a year since making all of the arrangements for our trip!! Knowing how much I enjoy using the clawfoot tub, this was one of his ways of expressing his love for me!!

I mentioned earlier that we just got back from a trip to Banff & Jasper National Parks where he had more surprises in store for me! On our hike to "Plain of the Six Glaciers" in Banff, unbeknownst to me, there was a "Tea House" at the top of the mountain. We had reached the top of the mountain and I had told him that I needed to take a break, to which he responded, "Perfect timing!" I had no idea what he meant by that until he pointed to the 2 story log structure. We sat up on the 2nd floor-covered deck among the snow topped Pine Trees eating hot soup, freshly baked bread and splitting a piece of chocolate cake!!

When we arrived in Jasper National Park, there was another surprise-he had rented us our very own cabin!! Every night he made a fire in the fireplace, we ate Bison Burgers he had cooked on the grill, we played Scrabble & Yahtzee and read books before turning in!

Dave is my mountain man, he loves to camp and fish and be in the outdoors. He doesn't need stuff like "Tea Houses and Clawfoot Tubs"! I recognized that his surprises were his way of expressing his love for me. My woman's heart was moved by his gifts and his acknowledgment to my feminine side!

Dave & I at Peyto lake, Banff National Park, Alberta Canada, September 2010

Dave told me to set aside this Saturday (October 9th) for a date with him. He told me he has something special planned for my birthday on that day, just the 2 of us. I have to say in all honesty, I don't know WHAT he's got planned but I do know that whatever it is, it will be good!

We are committed to each other and to our marriage. This is not an easy task in today's busy world where everything vies for your attention. You make time however for what is really important to you and our marriage is our #2 priority, right after our individual relationships with God!!

BANFF NATIONAL PARK

2010-10-03T06:07:00.011-05:00

Awaking to a Winter Wonderland was an amazing experience! Dave got out early and took lots of pictures!

Crowfoot Mountain with fresh snow!

Looking back to Bow Falls where we had been the day before!

We had a hike planned for this day, "The Plain of the Six Glaciers" back down at Lake Louise. Off we headed in the clown car!

Lake Louise with fresh fallen snow and some blue sky!

Looking back at the famous Fairmont Chateau as we begin the hike that skirts Lake Louise!

We've skirted the lake, the level, easy going trail and will begin hiking up the mountain.

Wet snow, weighs down the trees!

A clear, glacial mountain stream!

My mountain man with Lake Louise off in the distance!!

On the trail!

Unbeknownst to me, there was a "Tea House" at the top where Dave surprised me with lunch! We had hot soup, freshly baked bread and chocolate cake!

After a wonderful break we resumed the hike for another 1/2 mile to the overlook of Victoria Glacier! This is the glacier you see in the pictures of the beautiful Lake Louise!

On the trail again!

Hiking through Larch Trees up to the overlook!

Looking back towards the Tea House with its snow covered roof, the ski runs of Banff Ski Resort are visible in the distance!

We reached the overlook of Victoria Glacier and as we descended we were amazed at how quickly the snow had melted! We completed our hike, ate an early dinner and drove back to the Lodge where most of the snow had melted off!

Our last day in Banff before driving north to Jasper National Park we took the Larch Valley/Sentinel Pass hike which begins here at Moraine Lake! This is the famous Valley Of The Ten Peaks we often see!

Hiking up the numerous switchbacks until it opened up to amazing views!

Larch Trees are Pine Trees that actually turn colors in the Fall, shed their needles and grow new ones in the Spring!

Takes your breath away!

Can you even believe the majesty of our Creator God?!